Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I am a missionary

I'm so pooped from GKYM but I am so so blessed that I went.

I forgot again. (doh!)
I am a missionary. Yes even as a probable future graphic designer, I am a missionary. And even if I don't become what I plan, I shrug my shoulders because God has a plan for my life.

My plans for 2010 are open for Him. I had it all set up but my heart is open. My hands are open. I realized so much at this conference again.

I am a broken person. A sinner who was saved and I stand justified before the feet of God. My heart that is filled and constantly being held together by the love of Christ Jesus is wholly His. I offered (and I offer even in this moment in time) my everything and that made me feel so relaxed and peaceful and quite amazing inside. 'Ah rest for my soul'.

I don't want to use the word 'strategic', but I'll say that strategically I know what I need to do in my life. It came hand in hand with what I discussed with Pastor Young a few months ago after the Onnuri retreat. I keep giving excuses to live in a certain way because I see other people living in the same ways and it being fine. But I'm tired of wanting what other people have. I want my own. I want my own vision, my own plan, I want my God in the ways that He is always ready to pour into me.

My life is not ready for it. I know that if he spills more of this new precious wine into my life, it will all break. It will all spill away because I've seen it happen over and over again. It's time to stop compromising everything.

People are so hungry to know Jesus. We are so hungry inside. We are so thirsty inside for living water. Yet it's true. There are places in this world where they have never heard of this precious precious name of Jesus. God wants to be in relationship with them, he's been giving them dreams about Him. Yet we need to be the feet to spread it.

It's going to be difficult in 2010 I know it. I feel like this coming year will be a year where there will be very difficult choices to make. My insides will be stretched, my heart examined and refined through extremely painful and wordless ways. Am I ready to say 'yes?' I have so much fear but I need people's prayers. I can't do this on my own. I can't do anything on my own!

So for the few who have read this/glancing over this blog. If you could do a sister some good and pray for me. Pray for this possible one year alcohol fast that I might do. (A seemingly impossible stretch which is sad). And pray for my discernment for a certain situation in my life that I think I already know the answer to, but need absolute confirmation.

I feel like this post sounded a bit morbid (what is new....lisa you emo loser....hehe). But this page is kind of dancing before my eyes right now because I'm so tired. I will sleep until 5pm now.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Love Snow

(deviant art)

It's been such a rush of things these past few weeks. Today I realized that even though I hate commuting to work and to school, it's the one time in my day that I get to really just rest and be still.

It was dark when I was walking home from the station today and it began to snow. It wasn't just any snow. It was LOVE SNOW. I love love snow. When the snow just slowly falls down and reflects when the light from the street lamp hits it just right. I slowed down my walking and I took a big deep breath. 'I love you Jesus' is all I said and I realized that I forgot the deep simplicity of love and my purpose in life.

That Israel and New Breed song "To worship you I live" really captures it at times. Over and over again he sings, "To worship you I live. To worship you I live, I live to worship you." And in that I realized that God is the only one who provides true rest.

Hm on another note, Pastor Young spoke about sacrifice last Sunday. I wondered to myself, 'what do I truly treasure and hold dear that I am not so willing to give up.' And my answers were food, sleep, and time. And I realized how barbaric that was and sad as well. Food because thinking about having to actually fast scares me. Sleep because I'm never willing to wake up an extra hour early to meet God. And time because I'm so busy with all that is 'life'.

In 1 Chronicles 21:24 David wants to build an alter to God after realizing his own sin. God tells him to build it on the threshing floor of a guy named Araunah, who offers to give it to David for free. This is David's response:

But the king replied to Araunah, "No, I insist on paying what it is worth.
I cannot take what is yours and give it to the Lord. I will not offer a burnt offering that has cost me nothing!"
So David gave Araunah six hundred pieces of gold in payment for the threshing floor.

I love that. And I wonder how many times in my own life I have given sacrifices to God that have cost me nothing. I bet it's more than I want to account for. I want David's attitude in life. I don't want to carry an empty cross and i don't want my words and actions to be burned as wood. If waking up earlier, fasting a meal or two, and giving more time to God and His people didn't cost me anything, they wouldn't be worthy sacrifices would they? HMmmm.

____________________________________

Friday, December 11, 2009

OH crudder!

I know I've been in a crudastic mood these days and I feel bad for going off at people in slightly angry ways.

I was taking a nap today and woke up to an unpleasant circumstance and wrote quite an angry email to my mom.
I always feel so bad about them afterwards but this one had to be sent. I hope all things work out well.. SIGH...SUPER BIG SIGH.

To keep my mind off of school and my desire to go to heaven right now because of thus, I'm going to list things I'd rather be doing right at this moment in time.

- sketching architecture in rome
- yelling out 'yah-hoooooo' on top of a korean mountain whilst taking a swig of fresh mountain water
- horseback riding in the country side
- eating a gigantic pancake. like HUGE.
- bungee jumping into water.
- being with susan and ashley doing anything. like vegging out or whaaaatever.

Today I was walking on a street near our school where there are design firms and small companies of the sort. One of them was on the second story roof and had clear windows so you could see inside. Awe-some. People were working on designs and the chairs and office spaces were just so lovely. One dude walked towards the window to look out and I waved at him. (Wow that kind of sounds loserish...but I was with a friend...!). And he waved back! And I felt like it was Christmas. I also felt like I would like to be the one waving at loser design student from up on 2nd story office one day, and not vice versa as well.

Anyways I can't wait for the break! Christmas dinners! Seeing old time friends! Going to the conference with Sohyung! Jesus you have blessed me with so much!

---------------------


Totally going to get these one day.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Old journal entries = Fail present self.


Does it ever happen that you try to look for a certain file in your computer and you come across a vast array of written diary entries that were hidden under secret code file names on your computer? (longest question sentence ever.) It just happened to me and my insides feel quite sick.

The reason is because I don't know where that Lisa went. I used to have so much passion. So much emotion. I cared about specific things and I had an opinion on life. I read my judgmental viewpoints and biases but I cherish that part of me back then because in those times I didn't care as much. I wrote for me. I wrote and took hold of my true thoughts even though I knew they were wrong. I stretched my insides more. I physically beat my heart because I could not take this adamant refusal of Christ-centered living without a fight, even though I knew and acknowledge that I fell every single day. I was willing to make a wrong so eventually I would get to that right.

The colour of my life is turning to grey, and I hate it. There are days where I am a bright green or a yellow, but there are rarely those days where I am a red. I need a part of my life back and I want to fight for it once again.

When I taught Bible study to grade 9 & 10 girls back in second year, we came up with this thing called a foodnalogy. Basically we would reflect and describe our spiritual condition by using an analogy of food (since we all love food. well most people love food so it's easier to get a grasp of what someone is trying to get at). I just updated my facebook with one but there are probably more. What I updated was 'It's like I'm eating a bologna sandwich trying to convince myself it's just as good as the amazing steak dinner i ate four weeks ago.' Another could be 'It's like I'm drinking watered down milk.'

I know I seem to only write when I have issues or bothersome thoughts but that's just my style. I swear I'm going to be 50 years old, look back on my blogs and journal entries and think I was one messed up emo kid. (half true). I don't know why I feel like I have to explain myself. Maybe it's because new people like Kevin Sun read my blog and think I'm going to jump off a cliff. I'm...fine. :)

On another more happy note (note to social self: people like happy notes), my small group. We're finally starting a Bible reading plan. We're trying out the 52 week Bible reading plan I found on the net for a month and see how it goes (maybe jump to another one or what not). If anybody wants a copy, lemme knowww.

From February 20, 2007:
Then you start hanging out with them.
And they start to get comfortable with you.
They share their lives with you, their jokes with you.
You share with them. Sometimes they don't understand but they accept you for who you are.
So you start getting into what they are already deeply into.
And what you do is familiar with them so they accept that you have accepted.
But deep down inside you have not accepted.
Deep down, you're just doing it to be accepted into this group of people who seem to know what they are living for.
Then one day down the line,
you'll see that you can't live for acceptance.
You can't live for lies.
So you'll break away and you'll run away.
But for some reason, you'll find that there is something that follows you, no matter how far you run.
And you wonder what it is but you ignore it.
You question what it is, but it never answers you.
Then one ordinary day.
You'll know.
It'll smack you in your face so hard and yet so light. Because it's been there with you all along.
That you do believe.
That you do know.
That it is real.
And that life is real.
The truth is real and it is within you.
Until that day.
Until that day.



Anyways if you're still reading. What's your foodnalogy?

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

I'll give myself a month.

In this wineskin journey, I was supposed to log but I completely forgot.

I was supposed to ask myself why I feel the way I do in certain circumstances. Question my reactions to situations and people. And really get down to the hardcore reasons behind my psyche. (hehe I used the word psyche).

Reading. Journalling. Blogging. Drawing.
Core Core Core.

So it's going to be 2010 soon! I'm quite dreading turning 24 next year. Even writing it out makes me shudder. God here I am open hands, open heart, with a pleasant scared smile on my face. Please use me and mold my life like playdough.

On another note I finally saw what a doodie looks like. Or wait what do they call them, other than 'joints'..doodie sounds cute so I'll say doodie. I have friends at school who are into this type of recreational activity. They are sweet guys but it kind of bothers me (only very slightly) when they call me 'innocent' for not having seen one before. Am I really naive and innocent? No I don't think of myself being that at all. I've travelled, and lived and experienced enough to be able to make what are seemingly wise decisions in my life. I never felt the need to try different things out but I know there's nothing stopping me from doing things either. I shrug my shoulders.

Anddd I think some punk kid just played nicky nicky nine doors on me. I walked all the way downstairs and opened the door to the empty street. I'ma get you kid. I'ma get you one day.

Anyways I'm going to reflect and reflect so I can make an epic end of year blogging entry to reflect all that I've learned and taken in this year! :)


A really cool art installation I found somewhere random on the net.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Under blankies. Want hot cocoa.

How has it been three months since my last post. That is insane.

I'm still struggling and reflecting on what it means to become a new wineskin. In this past week I've been seeking to have a more honest perception of my weaknesses, yet it's been difficult. When we fall in a deep pit, we come out of it depending on something. It's that something that we rely on for our self-worth, and I'm beginning to wonder if mine was really God. Yes in a greater sense it was but I'm coming to a place where it needs to go deeper than that.

New wineskin. A new way of thinking. A shifting of perspective. I think I need to be more proactive than reactive to everything that occurs around me. Once again it's hard because I tend to suck at life things in general but that's okay because Jesus doesn't and he's in me. :)

On another note, I haven't really told a lot of people but I think I'm going to stay. I still feel so hesitant saying it and I think it's because I don't want to be disappointed in the future again. This is my 7th church and I'm really hoping it'll be the 'last' but God calls us when we need to go. As long as I'm being obedient to Him in this moment then I'm at peace within myself.

I just realized my energy level is like 1.5/10 right now. Probably due to the fact that I was awoken from my peaceful slumber by visitors who are seeing the house. They didn't really end up coming upstairs when I said hi. I wonder if my face really looks that scary in the morning. So sad. Peaceful slumber was peaceful because I was exhausted from yesterday being awake from 6am-5am. It's something that I'll cherish being able to do while I'm young. I did see 7 shooting stars though and I feel so blessed!

Anyways I hate posting without a picture...even if it's not my picture.

Here is a picture a I like (even though it has nothing to do with my post)

Monday, August 17, 2009

No I don't want to be the one who lives a lie but never knew it

I received a book that I lent out back today. It's one of my favourite books: "Inside Out" by Dr. Larry Crabb.

It's difficult to read a book that preaches on things are, rather than how they should be. How long has it been I wonder since I've lived in such a state of mental denial. I'm not sure myself. It's refreshing and painful. It's character building.

I realize right now that what I've been crying out to God, and to my friends is relief. Relief from pain and confusion. What I wanted were easy solutions to difficult and complex problems. Yet he's been laying it down and down again so many times. That in spite of how messed up things can be, and how people can be: God is. Is this truth as easy to swallow as it is to say? No I don't think so.

"the route to joy always involves the very worst sort of internal suffering we can imagine. We rebel at that thought."

A quote from the book's introduction. I recall myself following in God's path so many times in the past; realizing that it takes pain and suffering to get to something good. But living a life in God is not the same as working a job or going to school. We study hard and work hard looking forward to those few days of vacation or freedom. "Ah now we can relax and feel good inside."

If the goal of my spiritual life is to 'feel good' and find relief from this pain, then I am headed towards a dark future, and a lot of disappointment. We groan for heaven but heaven is not now. The kingdom of God can be brought here on earth, but it's not heaven. Pain, disappointment, emptiness and loneliness are a part of life because there is sin in this world.

I hope that in the next few weeks of reflection I'll be filled with the Holy Spirit. Not to 'feel better', but to just be more closer and intimate with God. To remember truth. To remember love. To remember reality but to kiss it even if it burns instead of running away. My fear is to be a coward. I've said the same thing over and over, but hey humans are slow! I'm especially slower...and it'll take time to learn this important "lesson".

Anyways here's to prayer, drawing, reflecting, reading!

Saturday, August 8, 2009

thanks Christine

So Christine just asked me if I had a blog and then I realized that I hadn't updated my blog for 2 months. This is for you...hahaha.

This will be short and sweet.


This was my last project that I did last semester. It has the Greek letters alpha and omega repeated over and over in india ink. It was my dedication to God for just him letting me be in this art program. A few days ago I had to take this photo because of my portfolio, and looking at it now makes me realize a few things. How I lack a kindness, a warmness towards my father in heaven. Sigh, knock knock on lisa's cold rock heart, let's get warm again. Back to Brampton or not?

Btw, I really want to go on a retreat. Should I crash Onnuri's?? Puhaha

Friday, June 26, 2009

Oh the joy!

I met up with Karan and Matthew today to venture off for some adventures in dt. We ended up doing a lot of artsy fartsy stuff (how cliche of us art students to do...). First thing was The Power Plant gallery. I laughed so hard while we were there. A lot of contemporary art these days can be really confusing. You can take it in one way or the other but it only really does seem to make sense (or sometimes not even) after you read the little artist blurb about the piece on the side. Video art installations were set up in these little rooms and when first walking in, it can be a little terrifying. The darkness. The random videos of people doing repetitive motions. A huge glowing globe in the middle of a pitch black room. Karan was actually scared to go in, I thought it was so cute.

I thought it was equally funny when he asked this question in all seriousness, "Wait so question, does Jesus want people to be straight?" Hopefully my answer was sufficient enough, sometimes things can get a little complex explaining 'Christian ideas' to non-Christians but I think the more one tries to go about it, the easier it is.

This verse comes to mind
"But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect,"
1 Peter 3:15

We went to The Distillery District after. I LOVE this place. It was surprisingly my first time visiting there and I must venture there once again. It's such a romantic and lovely place to be in. I especially loved the cobblestones, and random wedded couple taking pictures. *girly sigh*. We went to a place called, "SOMA". It is a chocolate haven of amazingness galore. My friend recommended trying the 'Mayan Hot Chocolate' and it was amazing. The cool thing about it was how it was SPICY. Just like the hot chocolate in 'Chocolat'. *super cool thumbs up*.

Afterwards I was seemingly able to convince Karan and Matthew to buy sketchbooks and begin the practice of sketchboooking with me. (I feel so alone when I'm with them in my ventures with this 'art practice'). They agreed!! So we went to AboveGround and bought some supplies. I love that place. I also love how I finally bought a mini pocket watercolour set. It is SO CUTE! I also bought a Letraset=Tria water pen brush thing! You fill the pen with water so you don't need to bring water with you on outings.

Here's a pic


I really have to stop buying things. Especially since I have no money like all the time. If I'm to buy anything next (like a worthy purchase of some sorts), I think I would like to invest in a softball glove. I feel bad having to borrow Carmen's glove every time we have practice or games. I can't believe I actually think softball is fun. I originally just started cause I wanted to have more fellowship but seriously thumbs up to you Mr. Softball on your fun factor.

Tomorrow is volunteering at YSM day. Haven't volunteered in so so long. I should start up again. MmHm.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

The Rentals


It's my week off and I decided to go home home for a few days. I forgot how awesome being home is. Moreover how awesome it is to eat good Korean food that is readily available all the time.

Seeing my parents has been good too. I usually see them once a week or every other week at least, but I guess I can't get enough of them! (Har..har har). To be honest, I am aware of how different and changing my relationship to my parents has been the past few years. It does keep getting better and better strangely enough. I used to think that 'Old korean ahjumahs and ahjuhshees don't change or grow spiritually' but now I don't think so. I see my mom growing in her faith, and I see my dad in his efforts to love me and my brother. I see both of them loving each other and trying to understand life together and I think it's really beautiful. The problem has always been me I think. The way I perceive them and treat them. I'm learning to treat them with respect always, trying to honor them with the actions I place in my life. My mom is my sister in Christ and my dad is my brother in Christ. But it's not always easy, especially if you live treating people in habitual ways.

Overall it's been interesting. I quizzed my mom yesterday with the love languages quiz and was interested to see her answers. It's easier to receive love from someone when you know how they love. And vice versa, it's easier to know how to love them too.

There's this book called, "Lady in Waiting" and it had some tips on what to look for in a husband. I remember one of them was to look for someone who strives to make good their relationships with everyone in their life. Especially their friends and their family. When I had read that, I thought that was a great thing to look for but I realized that I lacked so much in that area. I hope I'm better off now than I was then. It's foolish to hope to find someone with characteristics that you don't seek to find in yourself. But ya more on that point, I think if you meet a guy who treats you really well but doesn't maintain good relationships with his family and friends...it's probably a danger sign. Eventually you'll be treated how that person usually treats people in the future.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Woke up Calm.

I just majorly slept in right now, woke up past noon. I kept hitting the snooze button because I really liked the dreams I was having. I don't remember what they were except I was travelling in a group, and that group of people were definitely Joyful people. I hope this is what will actually happen in the future!

Anyways, I woke up calm and collected...and slightly happy. It's been a while since I've woken up like that. I finished reading 'Traveling Light' by Max Lucado yesterday and it was really encouraging for me. I had forgotten these truths, and when you believe with faith that they are truth, it is truly awesome and life-bringing.

I can't quite explain what's been going on intimately with me and God these days but it's been really great. Great amidst all the confusion and discouragement. Great because human situations do not faze the character of who God is in my life. To stretch ones heart muscle to be open to God's grace every moment is a hard thing to do, but like exercise it gets easier.

Talking about exercise! I've been trying to be more active. I figure I hate working out but I do like people and so I'm trying to do more 'sports'. It's quite crazy of me I know, but I think it's fun. So I decided to join our church's softball team. I'm trying to find people to play tennis with me. I'm going to a golf course finally next week, and I'm going to hike with Carmen this friday! Exercising has made me realize how sad and pathetic I am physically. All these things I've learned in health sciences, may they come to being this year!

On another note, my boy fast has been quite good too. (Alcohol fast is going well too). It's interesting how other people in my life seem to be more concerned for my single state than I am. I probably have put this upon myself with my time to time complaining of how 'I can't picture myself with anybody'. But it's hard because I truly feel I am changing inside but bringing that up to people is hard. People doubt change in other peoples' hearts until they see results in action. Yet my heart being changed in this matter is kind of hard to show. I am beginning to trust God a little more each day and be more satisfied in him. I hope my time being spent on myself will be transferred more to other peoples' lives through all of this.

I just remembered I got asked out yesterday by this Brazilian dude at school. I think he just wants to be friends but I'm gonna bring out Karan (who has never had korean food before) to come with us to Korea-town. We all met together at the same time anyway~ Okay, I think I'm going to go out now & sketch or something.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Journal Frenzy

Drawing of all the journals I am currently using. It's madness.

Being in art stores is like being in chapters for me except worse. I want to buy everything but I am limited by how much my wallet hurts...like every day. I slipped today and bought a new journal/sketchbook when I really don't need one at all! ("But the paper is so thick and wonderful" the evil Lisa says).


Should I return it? It cost me like...18 dollars. *eep*

And Oh lordy, I smell french fries and bbq outside. I am jealous extreme! I am stuck home today doing my projects due next week. Turned down the beach, going to the golf range, and playing tennis/chilling with Joyful girls for this STUPIDNESS!! Okay it's not quite stupid but I is sad. :(

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

A Centered Process

So my fast is going well. (Except for a lapse in action on the boy part a few days ago...um all is well now, thanks ashley. hahaha)

Choices, we have so many choices and options in life. Sometimes I think it's exciting, till you have to go through with your decisions. I'm a strange decision-maker. There are times when I just do it and deal with the consequences/blessings after. Other times I'm very cautious, taking months and months to decide one thing. Looks to be the latter Lisa this time.

Chop Chop Choppy Writing.

With the church office in my basement, I have realized how much of an introvert I really am. I love being with people, I really do but I need to have my alone time. I become really grouchy and mean, tired and just not a great person altogether when I don't get it. I love riding the subway alone, just being in my room alone, or walking alone too. Of course I need people after this kind of time, but ya alone does good for me. (Maybe not too much alone?)

I love Wednesdays. It's probably because it's one of my days off from school. Tomorrow I think I'm going to have a Reflection/Artsy day. Sketching, reading, and maybe visiting a new art gallery I've never gone to before. I was supposed to play tennis with a friend but not sure if that will happen. Hopefully it will!! I want to start being more active, I'm such a three-toed sloth.

Ashley came by last weekend and I loved every moment! Even though we didn't get to do anything quite exciting, it was lovely just spending time with an old friend. I'm so glad we prayed together and I hope both of us find our answers to our life questions!

Oh yes there is one situation in my life that is really annoying me. After talking with a friend about it, I told him I would pray about the situation and tell him what I felt like God was pressing on my heart to do. I do seek obedience in my life, but I think I already know what I need and want in my life right now, at least to the extent of my intuition. I hate being forced into things...I wish I could explain in more detail but I'm afraid...someone will read this, hahaha.

This week is going to be a little busy, and then one more week...and then 10 days of freedom!!

Monday, June 1, 2009

B&D Fast.

Breakfast & Dessert Fast.

Just kidding.


So it's June 1st!
And I've been contemplating why my life is kinda dry and stuff these days.
I realized yesterday that I have not been taking any meaningful steps to reach out my hands to God, I have been placing limits. SO, ya yesterday Pastor Young's sermon was about substance abuse and things like that. I felt compelled to go on a fast.

So here is to 30 days of no boys and drink.
A.k.A. guys & alcohol. I know some of you are thinking 'lisa has no guys...she is really digging the well deep into truly becoming a cat lady'. Yes it is true, however I know what I need in my life right now, and part of me is thinking to stop this nonsense but I know what I need...at least the wise Lisa in me does.

And not that I'm an alcoholic but I have been drinking more often. And it's not like I'm a drunkard but I just don't feel like it improves the state of my life at all. So here's my love fast to God~ I want you to be number one again.

*somebody please keep me accountable. thanks.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Rainy Day.

I rearranged my entire room yesterday as an act of procrastination. Sometimes I have to physically rearrange something in my life in order for that to reflect a change in my habits/mentality. So now my desk is faced towards my window which happens to fit just perfectly! I am now officially my street's neighbourhood watch.

It's raining really hard right now. I kind of like it. I feel like the rain is washing away things clean again.

Interruption for Neighbourhood Watch Update: I keep seeing squirrels running around on the streets like crazy. They don't know in what direction to go, it's like the rain is confusing them. HAHAHAHAA they are so cute.

This past week I realized I was a little down and I didn't know what it was. As I was reading my book on the subway (I have finally found a way to finish all 13 books I have started...I read them on the subway. Genius commuters have inspired me, thank you) I came across a part in the book that talked about loving others. I know it's so cliche but sometimes we forget that there is a reason why they are so cliche.

Anyways basically I had this revelation that I suck. Yes yes it is a revelation that I have very often but this time it really made me feel free from the inside out. I realized that one of the reasons I was down is because I was not placing my efforts to love other people as much as I could. When we place all our energy on our own problems and thoughts I think we die a little inside each day. We were meant to love. We were meant to foster relationships, because that is exactly what Jesus did when he was on this earth.

I started to think...if I had to make a pie chart of how much time I spend on my own problems and life, and how much I spend on the lives of others. The result was really sad. Do I know the love languages of my closest friends? Of my own parents? Do I seek to really understand other people and how they feel loved the most? Am I really concerned about any of this? No...I'm not. This lead onto other revelations that I won't talk about here but bottomline is that I'm thankful. When we're ready to face our own inadequacies and own up to them, I think God slips in the truth in our heads little by little in ways of kindness. I know for a fact that if a person came straight up to me and said I sucked and that I have to love others more that I would probably be uber depressed for a while before I started to act on that. Yet God encourages while he shapes our character up. Well at least for me!

I am encouraged now that even though I am far from having it right, that I have today and hopefully tomorrow to place my efforts in what I have been entrusted with.

So straight up to whoever is reading this: What's your love language? From first to last?

Saturday, May 16, 2009

What you're really doing...

I wrote a blog entry on the subway a few days ago:

Today on the subway I looked at one of those United Way posters that have been here and there. I think they're cool and gross at the same time. This one however caught my eye for different reasons.



It was of a guy that was coming out of a "human suit" of someone who worked in a kitchen. The "new guy" was wearing what it looked like dental assistant wear or something. I thought this was really weird because I wondered how those who really do work in kitchens (& enjoy it) feel when they view this picture. "What you're really giving is a way out". What if they don't want out? The other posters...can it be applied to them as well? It really makes me question the differences we place on ourselves versus others. And it makes me want to think more about this "great" voice we speak on others' behalf as their advocates. Do we as advocates on the "other side" really give freedom to those who have no voice to move & change? How much of this change do we control in theory as well as in practice? Can we speak on peoples behalf on a personal level? In other words, do we even know these people who we speak for as friends, as family? I know I don't for the most part. This is why the voice of one in active community is stronger than an outsider with knowledge. Knowledge vs. knowing.

***

On another note, I just came back from watching Star Trek. It was freaking amazing! I want to watch it again! And yes when I got home I did practice my 'Live long and prosper" hand sign. I loved Spock in it, a.k.a. Syler hahaha. Okay I'm officially dead beat.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

A Challenge or two

I used to resent it when people would tell me that I "think too much". The best comeback I would have for those people would be, "Screw you! YOU think too much!" I think I realized it was the blatant truth yesterday. I think way too much. And thinking without action results in either bitterness, apathy, or unpainted dreams. Maybe thinking too much isn't the issue but rather your character, your perspective IN those thoughts.

My second semester of school has thus begun! HURRAH! I'm actually pretty excited about it inside but I don't like to openly show my happiness, especially to other students in my class. I don't want to be labeled as the 'geeky asian girl who actually enjoys school." (Even though it is really really true!).

One of the coming up projects involves making a functional 3D model that is either:

a) a musical instrument
b) a toy for a child
c) an object that improves/benefits society.

I decided to go with option [C]. My idea that is floating around in my head is a kit called "The Ultimate Life Guide for the Socially Awkward". It will involve LED lights, so I'm going to ATTEMPT to try to make some sort of contraption with a programmed light sequence in it as well. I realized yesterday that this involves physics, so I blurted out "FML" and just said "ok let's go with this challenge".



Today my co-student friend challenged me to a ...um challenge. We are to draw a life-drawing every single day for two weeks, or we have to pay each other a quarter for each failed day. I think it'll be a good challenge for me to take on. I fail at drawing and I really want to improve, even though it may mean me becoming the creepy sketching lady on the subway. Aigoooo.

New Korean drama = amazing happiness of life.

A lot of people need prayer these days, I want to become strong so I can pray for my friends. Community community community. Ok no longer can concentrate cause Chris and Wayne are in my room talking about life.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Art thou work

Proverbs 16:1 says:
We can gather our thoughts, but the Lord gives the right answer. (NLT)

I read that today and realized that I've been trying to find answers and solutions with my own thoughts and abilities.

He calls out to us to just let go. Especially for women, it may be hard. At least it is for me a lot of the times. To just let go, and be lead by him. What does it really mean to let go and be lead, not having to control and lead your own life, but to be lead and to follow. With a gentle and quiet, trusting heart. (I know my sentence structure is quite bad today...oh well hehe).

I'm getting a cold, so I have locked myself in my house, only to do hw, drink lots of liquids, and rest as much as I can.

Here's some stuff I did past couple of weeks. Most of the things I complete are done within the 12 hours before that it is due. I have to step up my game and get some TIME management, dangggg!

This is an assignment I had to do about value or something...yes maybe I should pay more attention haha. My teacher is a softie, so he definitely liked the mini penguins. I mean baby penguins. Used gouache for the left, and sharpie for the right.


We had to draw a pic using different colour schemes in each box (like monochromatic, complementary...etc). Here's my image of an old woman and a fish head. The day before it was due, I realized I didn't have an image to draw so I went to chapters, and found the first thing that I could think of being possible to do within 12 hours. Almost didn't make it in time! Used prismacolour markers.


And this is something I'm currently working on right now. We have to make a book of some sorts to present the different design elements. I decided to take on the challenging task of binding my own book. You can see in the first pic how I am threading the pages together! It look so long T_T. It's almost done, I have to put the pictures in and draw some stuff and write some stuff..ya I should get on that..tehe.


Also today I decided that I was going to go to this workshop called 'LEAD' that Onnuri All Nations Church is hosting. Ashley, Jo? Anybody who is reading this? If you guys want to go, go! It's free to go...Ok for some reason I feel like I am typing weird cause I just saw a documentary on Bruce Lee. And after hearing him talk, it makes me want to talk like him. He was so musheetsuh and ninja.

Anyways this is the poster for it!

Monday, March 30, 2009

Crackberry?

Yes!

So I did get a blackberry!
And I bought a white housing for it that will hopefully soon arrive in the mail!
I'll post pics of it when it's all prettified up.

And yes to Sus' comment, I think an iPhone is more "me" but so many people at church have a blackberry that I ended up getting one. It's like you can count the number of people who don't have one, it's so strange. Almost as if we offer a blackberry to you when you decide to join our membership for our congregation.

I tried so hard to wake up at 6am today to do QT but it was an epic fail. I just got up now so I feel pretty rested! I'll do QT after this post, but ya I'm trying these days this whole 'discipline' thing, I heard it's hard but kind of awesome for your life so I decided to try it out (after a .....6=7 year hiatus of such efforts).

The reason why I slept in was because I slept so late again! Weekends..actually weekdays too are ending up becoming a 'no sleep fest' event on a constant basis. I'm so used to not getting sleep these days that it's not a big deal when I get even 3-4 hours a night. But eventually it catches up on me, and I have to sleep it all out like a bear...I guess it's good that I recover somehow?


The reason I stayed up late was because I was playing Settlers of Catan! Last time I played I won my brother and someone else...it might have been Chris, but ya I failed this time. It was okay though, I'm not really that competitive a lot of the times. I found that when I am competitive, I get really into it...to the point that I disregard the understanding that others have feelings and are people too. So I try not to let the competitive nature overcome me...

On another note, I am currently in the process of binding my own book! It is taking forever but I thought it was a cool project to do for my final assignment (that is apparently worth 70..% of my mark?). It took me hours to put the small holes in the papers and thread it all together with thread...and needle. I'll post up pics once it's accomplished.

And on another note, no no no misunderstandings. There is definitely no boy! Tehe! I'll explain to you guys another day, but truly truly can I say how awesome and amazing it is to be in a relationship with a living God? These days I'm realizing just how crappy I am in inside...not to put a downer upon myself but I just have so much hope. When you are with Jesus, you can't pretend about so many things, especially when you really want to know him. I've been praying for a heart, a pure heart that can see God, and one that is just so so so desperate, hungry, and thirsty to just want Him. To worship Him, to believe in his goodness, to give him all the glory in my life. I want to have that kind of raw passion for God.

I'm learning why I would have my "ups and downs" before in my spiritual walk. It came down to a few things:

1. Lack of QT - from lack of discipline - from lack of truly understanding what justification really means
2. Believing that ones spiritual life is 'good' or is 'bad' according to how ones external circumstances are, and how those affect your mood. Being close to God doesn't mean you have to be happy...having a good week. It can mean you are having a pretty horrible week, but being in a close and loving..and trusting relationship with Him anyway
3. This is kind of like QT, but just daily...continuous diaglogue. Being honest. Knowing this whole "Jesus" thing is for real. We're going to die one day! (Haha that sounds kind of morbid).

Anyways I should go do some of that practicing what I'm preachin, and then do the launders, and then maybe try to contact esther and then and than ....go to class? Tehe!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Hello crappy week! How are you? Great! Me too!

Wowzers
I just did a video blog and I realized that I uploaded the wrong video AND the wrong html..blah. This continues my week of crap.

However!!!!! What I wanted to express in this video was that ya, little things are going wrong everywhere this week. But in the end, like at the end of day, I'm okay. Like what I mean by that is God is still with me ALWAYS. He is good and I am starting to believe more and more in his character, no matter what 'crappy' circumstances I end up being in. So I'm going to keep choosing God! Choosing to worship him!

LALALALALA.

So I'm this close to getting a blackberry.
And NO I'm not getting a "sexy" Bold or New curve (8900), I'm just getting the old curve! I think it's still quite cute, and I've been looking for some replacement housing for it online, I'm thinking either white or bright yellow would look quite snazzy. Tehehe.

Actually I'm glad that the video didn't post.
BECAUSE I mentioned something in the end of it that I don't want to mention...anymore. TEHE. It had to do with a boy, not that there is a boy! But yes I'm a loser. AHHH I can't believe the summer is almost here. And I can't believe I'm going to be doing full-time school during it! This is outrageous!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

A quickie

I just want to say thanks for anyone who has prayed for me the past few days.

I feel like I have a lot of peace in my heart about this situation. And that even though it's hard to take that first step to love. It's so worth it! It's not like the situation is better, but it's definitely better on my part. I want peace between me and God, so I'm going to do my part! I love how God works! And I'm learning how to trust in His goodness!!

I just saw that Ashley and Jo updated...YAY. I wish more people updated more. However I have to get ready to schoolify myself today so I will check it out later!

Friday, March 20, 2009

A slap in the face

I'm not used to being slapped in the face.
I'm not talking about physically, but the metaphor of being slapped in the face...

To be brutally honest, it hurts. I think my stereotypes are slowly being broken down. What I mean is that I know that I have some issues with guys and respecting them. I can probably count on my fingers how many guys I actually have respect for. That being a whole other story, I want to focus right now on women/girls. I always uphold girls in my head so high. Through all the things I've been through in my life, I feel like I can understand girls so much better than I can guys. And because of that I hardly get annoyed at them (except for maybe Jae-Kyung in BOF...haha) because psychologically deep down I feel like if I dig deeper I can understand them in their actions. The blame often unfairly falls on the guys in the picture but still, they still hold a pedastool in my head.

So the reason I'm hurting is because I'm going through a situation where something I always believed in is not reigning true. That is the power of sisterhood. (As corny as that sounds). I always thought that when two women came together and really opened up, or started to open up, about their thoughts, their lives, that nothing could break that. As in one woman wouldn't betray another after doing that.

I know it's not officially an act of betrayal, but I feel betrayed. Knowing such awesome women of Christ in university made be somehow believe that all women were like that. I'm not used to women who aren't and I guess that is me coming out of my naive shell. I'm not used to being confused about why that person is doing something. Because in the past, I could always say, "ya I've been there, and I'd probably do that too...or have the possibility of doing the same thing, I can see it." But I can't see it this time and it really is confusing and hurting.

The thing that sucks is how God is still calling me out to love just as he loves me. And I've been wrestling with him about it a lot. Why is the position of 'leading the relationship', 'saying sorry first', 'humbling myself' placed upon my heart and not theirs. Not just in this situation but another previous one too. It just sucks. Plain out sucks because we're called to love when we are hurt. This must be what it means to turn the other cheek. I guess I can understand now what Jesus meant by that, it was never really a physical cheek, was it.

I just feel so broken inside about this.
Because I want to love but I know if I keep doing it, I'll keep feeling more pain. And I don't want to feel that pain. So I keep running away. From God, from myself, from being honest with the situation. But I don't want to run away because I hate being a coward and because out of all things I want to know my God intimately, with no walls in between. God, I need you so much.

Familiar Blue Glow In the Sky That I Hate

A.K.A. an allnighter.

For some reason, I have not the ability to start an assignment at least ...two-three days before it's due. It's like innately against my nature or something and I must stop it somehow!

I have a texture assignment due "today" and I feel like I won't make it to my colour class in order to get it done (yes!!!...ha ha...i don't like that class..my teacher somehow manages to wear a see-through shirt so all the world can see just exactly where her nipples are, more than once. so not pleasant to see).

My unfinished almonds that I've been working on forever.


Two more textures to draw: bubble wrap and aluminum foil. Oh dear gosh.

I'm going to volunteer at our church's upcoming basketball tournament this Saturday. I wonder just how much help I will be...

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Me + Timea = Mixed Lisa

So I just completed this "Genetic Splicing" assignment for my Digital Design class...what.."fun" hahaha, but I thought it was just so funny how the picture turned out. Here it is!




HAHAHA, so that is what I would look like if I was half white...or something?

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

10 Random Things & PICS

video

Wow I just realized I FINALLY have pictures to upload!!!! YAYYY.

So yes I went downtown on Monday to take pictures for my city shoot project. It was really fun! I went with my friend Sohyung who kind of showed me where to walk in order to get to Chinatown and Kensington Market. I hadn't been in that area for a while so it was nice to venture off, especially in this beautiful weather!


I took this kind of near my place. It was so cold, and I felt like an idiot taking pictures while people walked by...I have no idea why. Oh yes now I remember, it's because I couldn't remember how to get this effect. Note to self: small aperature, long shutter speed.


I got off St.Patrick station downtown to meet my friend, and I was overwhelmed by a longgggg line of protesters. Personally I LOVE protests. I love it when people who have one purpose in mind come together and fight for something they are passionate about. In this case, this is a bunch of people come together to stand up against the genocide against the Tamils that is currently happened in Sri Lanka. I remember thinking like an idiot on the subway, "Wow there are a lot of...brown people on the subway today carrying red flags. Is there a soccer game? *clickage in brain when I saw them*"


This is a shot of some graffiti at Kensingtong market and some trash bins. This is one of the shots that I eventually handed in for the project.


So showed me this AMAZING candy store that reminded me of that candy store in the old school Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I half expected the old man behind the counter to offer us some of that mysterious/fantastic candy soda/juice that they have in the movie. I've always wanted to try that. As well as the juice that came out of that tree that Pippi Longstocking had.


Soh looking at a wall...

And some more random pics!

Monday, March 16, 2009

OH my.

I have no idea how I'm going to be able to finish all this stuff in one week!!!!!

I should be getting ready to go out,
but I just had to write a few lines.

I had so much fun yesterday at Ashley's birthday thanggggg. Except for maybe 'Get Do' Hahaha. And can I just say how convenient it is in every aspect of life to live in Toronto, except for maybe missing my mom's cooking and hugs.

AND I'm totally stressed about a certain situation and I'm noticing that when I have a hard time with something I think my natural response is to like close myself off from God and try to deal with these horrible feelings on my own but I'm glad I"m catching myself in the act cause it's darnded wrong.

Ok time to like not sleep again for..a.WEEK.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Inspired by Susan

Susan blogging so often has inspired me to blog too
I look like a complete train wreck right now so no video blog for me,
but it WOULD be nice to daily update this thing, even if it's just a sentence like,

"I have almost eaten all the cheese in this household and it makes me happy."

Okay so before I go on,
I have to explain that I haven't slept for about...30 hours or so.

This month has been ALL-NIGHTER EXTRAVAGANZA!
I don't know about you but when I am working on art projects late late into the night, early morning I talk incessantly to myself, as if I was my own friend or something. But somehow it just keeps you going, doesn't it Lisa? Yes yes it does.

I bought the new Barbie lip gloss by cake and it smells and tastes SO DELICIOUS.

I am back moved in!!! Yay for closeness to church and school!! (well not so much school but...yah).

Disconnected thoughts...

Three of the five cameras I own are staring at me right now, like they're saying "you haven't used me for so long, you hate me you hate me!!"

I need a new amazing hand cream.

I saw a really cute korean guy at eatons centre today. Like actually good looking, you know how some korean guys seem like they're good looking because they have nice style but once you do a second glance you're like, 'oH..oh oh no ...no no no." Yah, this one was more like "Meh...oh wait...oh WAIT yes yes yes" ...But he was with a chirpy korean fobster girl so I didn't ask him for his number...(HA..like I would actually do that by myself...I feel drunk right now cause I'm so tired...)

Sound of music was amazinggggg last week. Although I kind of didn't like the girl who played L..L...wow how am I forgetting her name. Leizl.....dot dot tumbleweed

So at eatons centre I went into Zara's today and OH MY GOSH. All the new spring outfits and dresses are SO PRETTY. I WANT but I POOR. So I walked out..only to be made breathless by this mannequin from Club Monaco. K I don't remember exactly what it was wearing, but it was one of those outfits that you only come by once every ten years with the reaction of, "If I had to wear the same outfit every day, like if I were to be made into a cartoon character on the Simpsons to wear every day, I would wear this outfit" sort of thing. I am majorly in shopping withdrawal, I bought 3 articles of clothing since Korea...I think that's pretty good non?

I'm lame because I have no pictures.

Friday, February 20, 2009

I miss studying.

Don't get me wrong, I love art school! It's just I haven't studied anything for so long that I kind of miss it. Especially anatomy. I miss studying it the night before and then going into exams and knowing the answers, even if it is only for the one hour after I read the material. (I don't remember anything from university anymore. Like nothing. What's chlorophyll again? Omg).

Anyways I wish I updated this more. DAH.

So I'm taking a photography class and our second assignment is fun stuff. It's about taking shots of the city, and although the weather sucks these days, I think I'll be able to find some good places to shoot if I rummage around dt. Does anybody know anywhere to go? The only place I can think of is china town. Like the literal plan in my head right now is to go to china town, take a picture of a bunch of exotic fruit and then I'll probably just stand there for 20 minutes not knowing what to do next.



I took this pic cause when I...I...I don't know, there must be a word for people who like to take pictures of things that they shouldn't take pictures of but like to but know it's sort of stereotypical yet not but at the same time cool but not really cool too.



Random stoplight.

There are a whole lot of things I wish right now too:

- I wish I had self-discipline in every area of my life. Especially physically. Last week I downloaded a 30-minute work out video in hopes to exercise, but I ended up watching the whole thing lying on my bed eating massive amounts of dduk.
- I wish I had a new macbook pro. OH my gosh I wish this badly. As I'm taking more pictures with my new camera, and learning how to do things with adobe programs, I'm realizing how slow my comp is and it makes me angerrr angerr.
- I wish my brother would talk to me again...
- I wish I knew exactly what I was doing with my life. I feel like every time I get a sense of direction, God only shows me the little bit that I need to press on the next few months. (Maybe he's trying to teach me something *nudge nudge* Reliance on God and not self persay? *nudge nudge*)
- I wish I could express to people how I feel and what I think in considerate and mature ways
- I wish I was going to Korea this summer!!! If Ashley ends up going and Susan and Ashley end up playing together in Korea, I'm gonna be saddened.


Tomorrow is KCF Vball tournament!! I hope to go and cheer for old Westerners!

Sunday, February 8, 2009

I haven't had a week this tough for so long.
I learned in the past week, parts of myself, my family, and ultimately of God that I had not known before. But it was so hard. I don't want to get too much into it but yea.


On another note I just realized I have a paranoia with journals and notebooks.
I love having new journals but I hate not finishing them yet I am lazy.
I also tend to start new beautiful notebooks and journals for so many specific things.

Here is the list I just made:

1. Small black moleskine-like notebook for Bible study notes & Sunday sermons
2. Ehwa Notebook for Prayer Requests and Answered Prayers matched side by side (including the dates they were prayed for and answered...just started this)
3. Grey Notebook for thoughts
4. Memory Pad for Korean Vocabulary
5. Yellow Drawing Pad for drawings that I can easily slip the paper out of
6. Diary Planner thing that I do not use consistently on a day to day basis. I used a paper planner for 7 years until I got to university and suddenly the system didn't work for me. I use the computer or just write down to do lists. Yet I am in complete denial and still try to do it
7. Actual black moleskine for Bible verses to memorize & important lines/Christian sayings (which I can't find at the moment)
8. ..."Online blogs"
9. Other random notebooks that I started for "thoughts" because I couldn't find my grey one at the time.


I have this massive feeling of guilt right now. I want to like put all of those things together into ONE BIG NOTEBOOK but I feel like people would look at it and in turn read my embarassing and "heartfelt" thoughts while they laugh at me. Somebody tell me what to do. Do I finish all of these and then embark on my 'ONE BIG NOTEBOOK' plan?

BTW. My trypophobia is starting to really get to me more and more. I don't want this ...this..disease!!!

I also feel guilty that I never post pictures anymore. I am lazy major.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Three updates. A blessing. WGSTMT. & A Haiku.

Life is majorly cool.

God makes life so majorly cool.

1. It's almost the end of January and I can say that the first month of 2009 has been exciting! I made the decision last month to apply really really late to one-year college foundation arts programs and I ended up getting into George Brown! So I've been taking some pretty neat classes, meeting some pretty neat people while I'm at it. It's been so fun. I love the difference between going to school now and before. I don't feel any pressure at all with my classes. I think it's because I have a purpose now going to art school, and I know God is in the center of this decision and actually getting in here! I don't know, it's like grades don't matter because I made my own decision to be here sort of thing? I wish I could explain better!


2. I'm moving oh so soon to North York finally with my brother. I feel like we're going to fight a lot but I think we're gonna get closer too. The neat thing about it all is that we're sharing the rent with Joyful Church because the basement is going to be used for our EM office. I have a feeling people are going to be over all the time, every day...every..night. Haha, it's okay though because I think I'm going to learn what it means to be true community.


3. I'm so happy because God is slowly answering prayers! Daniel and Esther (the cutest brother and sister pair i've seen ever) finally decided to step up and join the missions team. I'm excited to see how God is going to lead us and teach us how to be true leaders, and just the things we can bring to the table. So far some ideas that are up in the air are leading seminars on topics like sustainability, HIV/AIDS, homeless people at church, going to do innercity missions in the city of Toronto or maybe the States, volunteering at various nonprofit organizations in Toronto, and going to URBANA 2009 (that one is so not in the air, it WILL happen).


:)
I've been applying like mad to all these jobs because I need to make money for rent. It's been going pretty bad till today! I finally got an interview today! I was so happy I jumped for joy. (harhar).


What God Said To Me Today.
"I understand your heart."
I went to morning prayer today and you know when you are praying but then you end up talking outloud to yourself as if you were God. Okay not that you are God, but as if he was speaking to you through you? Anyways he was saying all these things but then he said these words. And I got really taken aback. You know those words that you needed to hear and when you hear them, that very instant tears come to your eyes? It was like that and it was amazing. I feel so much closer to him. It's like he's telling me to stop trying and to just be.


Haiku Time.


I ate some kimchi.
It was with dduk man doo gook.
I am korean.