Friday, March 20, 2009

A slap in the face

I'm not used to being slapped in the face.
I'm not talking about physically, but the metaphor of being slapped in the face...

To be brutally honest, it hurts. I think my stereotypes are slowly being broken down. What I mean is that I know that I have some issues with guys and respecting them. I can probably count on my fingers how many guys I actually have respect for. That being a whole other story, I want to focus right now on women/girls. I always uphold girls in my head so high. Through all the things I've been through in my life, I feel like I can understand girls so much better than I can guys. And because of that I hardly get annoyed at them (except for maybe Jae-Kyung in BOF...haha) because psychologically deep down I feel like if I dig deeper I can understand them in their actions. The blame often unfairly falls on the guys in the picture but still, they still hold a pedastool in my head.

So the reason I'm hurting is because I'm going through a situation where something I always believed in is not reigning true. That is the power of sisterhood. (As corny as that sounds). I always thought that when two women came together and really opened up, or started to open up, about their thoughts, their lives, that nothing could break that. As in one woman wouldn't betray another after doing that.

I know it's not officially an act of betrayal, but I feel betrayed. Knowing such awesome women of Christ in university made be somehow believe that all women were like that. I'm not used to women who aren't and I guess that is me coming out of my naive shell. I'm not used to being confused about why that person is doing something. Because in the past, I could always say, "ya I've been there, and I'd probably do that too...or have the possibility of doing the same thing, I can see it." But I can't see it this time and it really is confusing and hurting.

The thing that sucks is how God is still calling me out to love just as he loves me. And I've been wrestling with him about it a lot. Why is the position of 'leading the relationship', 'saying sorry first', 'humbling myself' placed upon my heart and not theirs. Not just in this situation but another previous one too. It just sucks. Plain out sucks because we're called to love when we are hurt. This must be what it means to turn the other cheek. I guess I can understand now what Jesus meant by that, it was never really a physical cheek, was it.

I just feel so broken inside about this.
Because I want to love but I know if I keep doing it, I'll keep feeling more pain. And I don't want to feel that pain. So I keep running away. From God, from myself, from being honest with the situation. But I don't want to run away because I hate being a coward and because out of all things I want to know my God intimately, with no walls in between. God, I need you so much.


sun.ah said...

in all we do... let's ask ourselves.
are we loving others well?
are we loving God well?

don't think of it as a slap in the face, sister... think of it as a new revelation! that we are called to love when it feels impossible to love. it's not our own love we're loving with, anyway, right? let God fill you and overflow...

it's much too difficult to love on our own.

and hey, this journey is always going to be a process... of unlearning and learning anew. be open to change, because it means you're growing!


j said...

hmm. yes. slaps in the face indeed do suck (a lot...unless its in the result of a which case it is well deserved, and also has an air of humour...but more about that perhaps a more appropriate of times..).
i agree: girls always do seem to stick up for each other (kind of like in packs?) and always 'got each other's backs' through thick and thin...but strangely at the same time, the species seem to be secretely (and tirelessly) at each others throats, like some rediculous unspoken competition.
my comments above may be completely irrelevant to what you are going through.
what i do know is...frienships (especially with girls...strangely...) are tough. but to love a friend, is to LOVE a friend. no matter what redonkulosities (not a word, i know) they may dump onto you. the best friends are the ones that stick it through, and selflessly continue to love and try and try again to understand what the poop the friend is doing/saying/going through. but a lot of the times...we wont understand..and it will be frustrating. an even better friend, confronts the friend when they've done something to hurt them, and even gives them an occassional yelling-at when they need it. what kind of friends would we be if we never taught each other lessons, and also never learned lessons from each other (i just said the same thing twice...)?
its understandable that you are tired and worn out from this, but isnt love so rewarding because it is such hard work?
perhaps none of this has anything to do with anything...but for some reason or other i felt compelled to leave the longest comment i've ever posted on blogger on your blog.
hope all is well. and i look forward to seeing hand-drawn-bubble-wrap-texture!

Susan Park said...

Hey Lisa...
So I know this might be a late post since I just looked at your blog today (Yes, I've been coming home just to sleep these days) but I hope everything worked out ok.

Being friends with girls is a tricky thing isn't it? I totally understand what you mean by being naive because we were able to meet awesome women of faith at Western...but somehow, that bubble does need to be popped. Just know that even though we get hurt when we put our guards down, there also comes great healing from God and also great friendships when we do open ourselves up to the right people :D

Thank you for sharing that on your blog. Love you lots and I miss you.