I'm not used to being slapped in the face.
I'm not talking about physically, but the metaphor of being slapped in the face...
To be brutally honest, it hurts. I think my stereotypes are slowly being broken down. What I mean is that I know that I have some issues with guys and respecting them. I can probably count on my fingers how many guys I actually have respect for. That being a whole other story, I want to focus right now on women/girls. I always uphold girls in my head so high. Through all the things I've been through in my life, I feel like I can understand girls so much better than I can guys. And because of that I hardly get annoyed at them (except for maybe Jae-Kyung in BOF...haha) because psychologically deep down I feel like if I dig deeper I can understand them in their actions. The blame often unfairly falls on the guys in the picture but still, they still hold a pedastool in my head.
So the reason I'm hurting is because I'm going through a situation where something I always believed in is not reigning true. That is the power of sisterhood. (As corny as that sounds). I always thought that when two women came together and really opened up, or started to open up, about their thoughts, their lives, that nothing could break that. As in one woman wouldn't betray another after doing that.
I know it's not officially an act of betrayal, but I feel betrayed. Knowing such awesome women of Christ in university made be somehow believe that all women were like that. I'm not used to women who aren't and I guess that is me coming out of my naive shell. I'm not used to being confused about why that person is doing something. Because in the past, I could always say, "ya I've been there, and I'd probably do that too...or have the possibility of doing the same thing, I can see it." But I can't see it this time and it really is confusing and hurting.
The thing that sucks is how God is still calling me out to love just as he loves me. And I've been wrestling with him about it a lot. Why is the position of 'leading the relationship', 'saying sorry first', 'humbling myself' placed upon my heart and not theirs. Not just in this situation but another previous one too. It just sucks. Plain out sucks because we're called to love when we are hurt. This must be what it means to turn the other cheek. I guess I can understand now what Jesus meant by that, it was never really a physical cheek, was it.
I just feel so broken inside about this.
Because I want to love but I know if I keep doing it, I'll keep feeling more pain. And I don't want to feel that pain. So I keep running away. From God, from myself, from being honest with the situation. But I don't want to run away because I hate being a coward and because out of all things I want to know my God intimately, with no walls in between. God, I need you so much.