Sunday, November 29, 2009

Old journal entries = Fail present self.

Does it ever happen that you try to look for a certain file in your computer and you come across a vast array of written diary entries that were hidden under secret code file names on your computer? (longest question sentence ever.) It just happened to me and my insides feel quite sick.

The reason is because I don't know where that Lisa went. I used to have so much passion. So much emotion. I cared about specific things and I had an opinion on life. I read my judgmental viewpoints and biases but I cherish that part of me back then because in those times I didn't care as much. I wrote for me. I wrote and took hold of my true thoughts even though I knew they were wrong. I stretched my insides more. I physically beat my heart because I could not take this adamant refusal of Christ-centered living without a fight, even though I knew and acknowledge that I fell every single day. I was willing to make a wrong so eventually I would get to that right.

The colour of my life is turning to grey, and I hate it. There are days where I am a bright green or a yellow, but there are rarely those days where I am a red. I need a part of my life back and I want to fight for it once again.

When I taught Bible study to grade 9 & 10 girls back in second year, we came up with this thing called a foodnalogy. Basically we would reflect and describe our spiritual condition by using an analogy of food (since we all love food. well most people love food so it's easier to get a grasp of what someone is trying to get at). I just updated my facebook with one but there are probably more. What I updated was 'It's like I'm eating a bologna sandwich trying to convince myself it's just as good as the amazing steak dinner i ate four weeks ago.' Another could be 'It's like I'm drinking watered down milk.'

I know I seem to only write when I have issues or bothersome thoughts but that's just my style. I swear I'm going to be 50 years old, look back on my blogs and journal entries and think I was one messed up emo kid. (half true). I don't know why I feel like I have to explain myself. Maybe it's because new people like Kevin Sun read my blog and think I'm going to jump off a cliff. I'm...fine. :)

On another more happy note (note to social self: people like happy notes), my small group. We're finally starting a Bible reading plan. We're trying out the 52 week Bible reading plan I found on the net for a month and see how it goes (maybe jump to another one or what not). If anybody wants a copy, lemme knowww.

From February 20, 2007:
Then you start hanging out with them.
And they start to get comfortable with you.
They share their lives with you, their jokes with you.
You share with them. Sometimes they don't understand but they accept you for who you are.
So you start getting into what they are already deeply into.
And what you do is familiar with them so they accept that you have accepted.
But deep down inside you have not accepted.
Deep down, you're just doing it to be accepted into this group of people who seem to know what they are living for.
Then one day down the line,
you'll see that you can't live for acceptance.
You can't live for lies.
So you'll break away and you'll run away.
But for some reason, you'll find that there is something that follows you, no matter how far you run.
And you wonder what it is but you ignore it.
You question what it is, but it never answers you.
Then one ordinary day.
You'll know.
It'll smack you in your face so hard and yet so light. Because it's been there with you all along.
That you do believe.
That you do know.
That it is real.
And that life is real.
The truth is real and it is within you.
Until that day.
Until that day.

Anyways if you're still reading. What's your foodnalogy?


wordSunspoken said...

im eating dumplings but i dont know the filling. i still eat it anyway.

wordSunspoken said...

i like that view. keep strong in your stance

Xtiramisu said...

lol to Sun. you're so Asian..

Well Lis, I totally get what you're saying! It's almost like it has something to do with us getting older..and our faith getting smaller. Not saying this is true for everyone but it seems to be the pattern?

P.S. I want to do a Christmas dinner w/ ppls! :)

wordSunspoken said...

dumplings are lovely my dear. wow lisa's gay talk is consuming me.

ANYWAY, lisa, your overt appreciation for my writing is making james green with envy. his eye brows are starting to look like caterpillars. fuzzy wuzzy wasnt so fuzzy was he? no, he wasnt.

James said...

Down with Kevin.

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