He's moving. He's moving.

Two weeks ago I wrote a post about how 'this wait will mean something this time."
All I can say is how God MOVES. How he is moving so strongly in my life right now.

Sometimes we pray prayers of desperation. Prayers lifted up with so little strength, that we think the floodgates of heaven will barely open up into our lives. Yet I have experienced that God listens with that kind of ear that one listens with when they're trying to hear in on a conversation in the next room. I know now how much he desires to pour out blessings and blessings and His own Spirit into our lives. SO MUCH.

I came back from a retreat a few days. I cannot explain how much God moved in peoples' lives during that retreat. People were saved. Prophecy was told. Spiritual gifts were opened up. It was such an amazing time of revelation, growth, and prayer. I am falling so deeply in love with my church family. I see in them the potential to grow and do crazy awesome things for God's kingdom so so much now. I know that God has amazing things in store for each and every one of us in 2009. I am so honoured and blessed to be a part of that.

In my own life, I never realized how confused I was. How much sin was dwelling and creeping into my life. "I AM JUSTIFIED BEFORE THE LORD. NOT BECAUSE OF ANYTHING I HAVE DONE. BUT BECAUSE JESUS CHRIST'S BLOOD COVERS ME. WHEN GOD SEES ME HE SEES ME JUSTIFIED." Justified means "Just as if I have not sinned". This is an amazing truth. We live and Satan tells us "how can you raise your hands in worship, how can you go before God when last night I saw you doing this. Thinking these things". NO. God sees us as if we have not sinned, and if we realize and embrace this awesome truth, we will know that that there is this living SPIRIT within us. A Spirit that came to life when we first believed.

God is first. Anything is second.

There is so much prayer being answered in my life right now.
Change in people around me.
Specifically what I am to do in the future.
God is slowly providing me with skills and my own ministry team.
I know that God is going to provide me with everything I need to do good for His Kingdom.

I am so excited to live right now.
I am so excited for people's lives to change around me.
For the things God has in store for his people!

Yet this is a spiritual battleground.
We must fight and flee with prayer. With the meditation of God's Word. DAILY.
Discipline! I need you now.
I am a soldier saluting my King, my beloved.

Book Reebews.

I know I already posted these on FB, but I want to keep a mental track of digital ..posty..things. I need to sleep.

"I wrote this big schpeal ...shpeal..um shee-peal. *cough* about how amazing this book was. And I erased it because I guess I just had one thing to say: Lisa Hong was so much challenged to her core by this book that it made her feel very uncomfortable and slightly sweaty on the forehead".
Random awesome quotes:

"I heard about a group of massage therapists who spend their days washing and massaging the tired feet of homeless folks."

"As long as we uncritically manage the collateral damage of the market economy, the world can continue to produce victims."

"Tithes, tax-exempt donations, and short-term mission trips, while they accomplish some good, can also function as outlets that allow us to appease our consciences and still remain a safe distance from the poor."

"The early Christians used to write that when they did not have enough food for the hungry people at their door, the entire community would fast until everyone could share a meal together."

Here's an excessively long one:

"When I was a youth leader, one of the high school kids who had "given his life to Jesus" got busted only a few weeks later for having acid in school. I remember asking in disappointment. "What happened, bro? What went wrong?" He just shrugged his shoulders and said, "I got bored." Bored? God forgive us for all those we have lost because we made the gospel boring. I am convinced that if we lose kids to the culture of drugs and materialism, of violence and war, it's because we don't dare them, not because we don't entertain them. It's because we make the gospel too easy, not because we make it too difficult. Kids want to do something heroic with their lives, which is why they play video games and join the army. But what are they to do with a church that teaches them to tiptoe through life so they can arrive safely at death?"

And one last one...

"Human suffering has the power to move even kings to feel again."

*shudder* I think I made ungodly sounds when I read that last one. He was talking about the influence of Rizpah. (Who is Rizpah?) Rizpah be like the mama you never had. Okay I don't know why I'm talking like this now. I feel like I am getting weirder every day. I am 22 and still a psycho. According to my simplistic mathematical calculations, if this rate of weirdness continues, I shall be impossible to communicate with by the time I am 30. (But you are already impossible to communicate with, some of you say). I hate you. No wait no I didn't mean that. sigh.

p.s. Mad props to Ji-hae who recommended this book to me. I called you during your work hours when I was at Chapters so you could recommend me a book. And you did. And now I feel uncomfortable from reading it. Thanks. "

"When Esther recommended me to read this book, I knew I had to read it asap. So I ordered it on Amazon as soon as I could. I just finished it and it was beautiful. It was frustrating. I think there are a lot of themes in this book that I seemed to separate myself from, but I kept realizing that in so many ways Sarah in this book is me. And the frustration that God must feel has to be ten thousand times greater than the frustration I felt every time she left Michael.

Basically this book was a ficitional (Christian fiction...what? ew? no no trust me it's not ew) retelling of the book of Hosea. The book of Hosea is about how God calls Hosea to marry a prostitute named Gomer. And it is a reflection of the numerous times Israel ran away from God, but God kept going to take them back.

It's hard to say in words what I'm feeling right now. We run away so many times for so many reasons. We think our sin is greater than God's love. We are ashamed and fear the judgment of other people. We are afraid to truly fall in love with God, and let him fall in love with us. Yet all of these things never make God stop loving us and pursuing us. He is so beautiful.

The exciting part of it all is that God is real. And this amazing unbelievable love is real. I just realized this a few minutes ago and got 'shy' again. Does this occur with anyone else? The sudden realization that you are alone in your room with God Almighty and he loves you like crazy and you love him too? (And then you giggle like a small girl with your hand over your mouth).

Man sometimes life feels dull, like it's a movie that no one watches. I love these very moments of my life when it switches. Life is real. Death is real. And God is real. I love that."


Yes so I think I am bound for another picturesque update. We shall see soon!

This wait will mean something this time.

In the midst of my confusion. God has spoken into my heart about who I am, yet every time I find enough courage to come to the foot of the cross, I run away three seconds after he has spoken because I am such a coward. 'I need time to think', 'I need time to meditate'. I say so many things these days to so many people yet I am not sure which of them are really true.
I want my life to paint beautiful pictures. I want and I want. I want so much and I can say these things till the point where my tongue is dry, but nothing will make it become a reality until the hand of God moves in my life. Giving up control and giving up my heart is the hardest battle yet. It makes me suffer a little inside when I realize that God has only targeted the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the parts of me that are still hidden. The dark parts that require healing and restoration. Life outside my inner world is second in this battle. We can say, I can say all these things, but they mean nothing if life is not transformed. I know that they all mean nothing if the real God is not genuinely moving in my life. I am slowly beginning to realize in my heart (finally) that this life is not for show to anybody else but Jesus Christ. What I accomplish, who I love, what I take seriously and apply literally from the Word is meaningful not because I have done anything or know anything or feel anything, or because I have done any of these with other people, community or whatnot...it's meaningful because God is. It's not my battle to win, I'm learning. It's not my relationship to lead, I'm learning. It's not my power, nor my knowledge, nor my effort, nor my desire, nor my fire or even my actions, I'm learning. "I" and "Me" must be taken out and replaced, I'm learning. In everything, in everything, till the parts where I thought were the hardest to give up (or the easiest) become laughter because they actually don't mean much at all- in comparison to God's great glory. I need my heart to be changed. Nothing that I write matters if that's not changed. Gosh.

On another note, for some reason I want to post the fifth stanza of one of my favourite poems. It's by T.S. Eliot and it's called "Hollow Men"

V

Here we go round the prickly pear
Prickly pear prickly pear
Here we go round the prickly pear
At five o'clock in the morning.

Between the idea
And the reality
Between the motion
And the act
Falls the Shadow.

For Thine is the Kingdom

Between the conception
And the creation
Between the emotion
And the response
Falls the Shadow.

Life is very long

Between the desire
And the spasm
Between the potency
And the existence
Between the essence
And the descent
Falls the Shadow.

For Thine is the Kingdom

For Thine is
Life is
For Thine is the

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang bit a whimper.

Scrumptious blog.

I have finally found the time to update!
How happy am I!

So here is a video.




And here is me and my promised analysis of how guys sometimes fail at relational issues or rather guys in lisa's life issues.

So yes it's been a long time (for some reason ever since I read this sentence outloud, I hear that Aaliyah song..um anyways), that I've liked a guy or have been 'involved' with a guy. So with this fresh objective perspective back into my life of meaningless boy-relations, I have targeted a BOY WITH ISSUES #1. So here we go!

BOY WITH ISSUES #1.

This type of boy/man believes that he is the sheezybreezy. As in he thinks he is the best kind of boyfriend or guy to like ever. He may not express this verbally but when you reject him in the face, he displays facial expressions of disbelief. These expressions read as 'how could you reject me? i am the sheezybreezy'. This type of boy/man has a lot of pride in himself, so if you hurt his pride, he will pretend one of the following things:
1. he never really did like you in the first place
2. you are not the kind of girl he thought you were
3. you are a female dog
4. you must be further ignored because he does not have the abilities to be friends with a girl who does not also think he is the sheezybreezy.
Don't worry though. Eventually this kind of boy/man realizes that he is not the sheezybreezy and you can be friends again. Or he may end up finding a girlfriend who will succumb to his beliefs that he really IS the sheezymabreezy. But hey who knows, maybe to her he is! The end.

***disclaimer: i am not actually bitter about these types of guys or any guys i've "been with", i think they're all great in their own ways, i'm just mean. that's all. mean but not bitter. i hope that makes sense. i have to go make cookies now.

A mild case of craziness

Okay so this isn't an important topic or whatnot,
but I think I have a slight case of trypophobia.

Basically it is a phobia where one is afraid or discomforted by holes that are in clusters. This kind of sounds confusing but here are a few examples I found from another website:



and



I don't know what it is, but it slightly freaks me out. For some people it makes them feel sick to their stomach. I'm glad that I'm not of that case but still man, it's not pleasant to look at right?

On another note,

I recently bought a new blush.
I've been using NARS "Orgasm" for a while, and it is a nice blush, but I wanted something slightly different. (Not totally different, cause I still like those pinky colours)
So I bought the Diorshow Powder in "Catwalk Pink".
It's in this really cute case and it's really really nice. It looks really natural.
Totally recommend it!



AND on another note,
I've decided to step up and try out the position of Missions Director at my church. They basically look over the ministry of evangelizing and missions. BUT just to see whether this is where God wants me to be, I'm going to help out with Operation Joy. It is the second project from Operation Kindness that Taein through the B.A.S.I.C. group is hosting. It's very similar to Operation Christmas Child, but instead of making a shoebox filled with gifts for one child, it's making an entire family package of presents for one family. So it's kind of like 'adopting a family'.

First thing first is that I have to figure out how to fundraise money to buy the gifts that we as a church will decide on. I don't have too much fundraising experience but I do have some ideas. I will have to pray about it more. Nevertheless I am excited! I think I feel most alive in my faith when I am actively serving, so praise God!

I love unnies.

Ah Here's a nice picture update!

Last week I got to play with Grace, Esther, Deborah, and Ji!
It was such a well executed night of fun.
I hope we get to do it again!


The night started off with devouring a craving that some of us had: JJAM JJA MYUN! The best creation since the creation of jja jja myun and jjam bbong individually.



And THEN we decided to hit up the nrb, HOW I missed it (from Korea days). If I ever got one for Christmas I would never find a job because I would just stay home and sing for hours on end. (Oh wait I already do that). Anyways! Here is JI singing like an ANGEL!



And here is Esther, Grace, and Deborah who all took part! YES even Grace!!


And of course ms. Esther singing!! She sang the infamous 'Ken Lee', it was too great.

Then we decided to go to Soban for some yummy treats. I didn't know that their waffles would be half decent!







...for some reason the picture I took of Ji and the waffle is NOT working. bummer. and why are these pictures so small! oh well next time!


All in all it was a great night with some God-loving women. I hope we do movie night sometime and I hope at that movie night I can make someone play Hotel 626 with me! It's an online game that is apparently really scary and I'm too much of a wuss to play it by myself.

PS. Those cosmetic products+different types of boys+possible drastic hair colour change blogs are coming up so very soon...

A tipsy post

Ah, I love the thoughts I have when I am tipsy.
I just came back from a birthday party and the alcohol is almost all worn off.
That with a mix of tiredness seemed like the perfect mindset for me to update my blog.

(No I did not take this picture. Ildo or Joel did. Either way I wish I did).

Anyways, a statement I claim: There's a difference between drawing within the lines being chained than drawing within the lines with no chains.

It seems like an obvious thing for many people but for myself it is difficult for me to fully realize in my own life.

A question: do our own constructs keep us captive our entire lives? and are we all in denial? For some reason, I have this deep belief that we are all in denial all the time. Here are some other beliefs that I have that I often don't openly say:

- We are always in a constant state of awareness of those around us and how loved they project to be
- We are...yes all in denial always, of something.
- We unconsciously wake up in the morning and ask our inner selves, "so, what mask should I put on today?" I think I can count on one hand how many people I know that don't seem to ask this question (well in my eyes...my narrow...blind eyes).
- Our walls protecting our heart are thicker than we think.

HAHA I seem so critical and judgmental right now. I guess I am that kind of person. For me there is a fine line between being judgmental and perceptive. Anyways I find people interesting. Like really really interesting. Even people that I have known for a long time. 'Why did they do that?' 'Why do they say this or that?' 'Why are they looking at whatsover like that'? I always come to a conclusion in my head no matter whether it is right or wrong. I guess for me, I need to have some sort of answers, whether they be correct or not for me to have some peace of mind. I am waiting for the day when I meet that one person where I don't have the answers so easily. Then again now that I think about it, the answers have not always come so easily. People are so deep and profound and I love that.

I wish I did a blog right now about all the different types of guys I have ever been somewhat 'involved' with. I have categories and intricate criticisms. Funny ones I think! I will one day when I have enough energy. Right now I'm so tired!

I'm a lazy donkey.

Have you ever been so lazy that you were so sick of yourself that you needed to ignore the fact that you were so lazy that instead of getting busy, decided to stuff yourself with food and watch random things on youtube till the guilty feelings went away?

Okay well that is me these days.
I always love Sundays, not only because of church. (Am I nerd for liking church?)
BUT because it means that tomorrow is Monday!
Which means that I can have this ill-disguised notion that I have a fresh new start of my life with Monday because it's the start of a new week!
I will try to hold true this time..-_-

My mom is going to Korea tonight and she's staying there for a month. I'm so sad. I don't want her to leave, she's my human security blanket in a way.

I decided that I'm going to step up and serve at church. I've been meaning to for a while now since I've been back from Korea, but I guess I never really took the time to talk to Pastor Young about it. WELL I suppose I shall ask God where I should serve...

Three things are coming in the mail this week!
1. My books I ordered from Amazon weeks ago. I love fresh new books. I've loved them ever since elementary school when the Scholastic book orders would magically arrive and the teacher would place our new books on our desks so that we would find them after recess. It was like Christmas but better!!
2. This vintage old medium format camera I bought on Ebay. I already have a Diana F+, I have no idea why I bid on this item. I was hoping that someone would outbid me because I only bid $8 for it, but no one did.
3. My brand new DSLR!!!!! YES I finally bought one, it was kind of an impulse buy. Ildo recently bought one and I got jealous and decided to buy one too. I'm such a loser but I don't care cause I finally have one!!! It's a Canon XS...yes I wanted the XSi but this one was on sale so...YAY!

I'm going to London this week!!
Someone better give me a HUGE chunk of their time cause I haven't caught up with them in ages *COUGHCOUGH* I don't care if they are studying, I will just sit beside them as they study while I breathe down their neck till they finally agree to chill with me...HAHAHA

I should give a skincare update and product review soon because I've been using so many products lately that it should be a nice thing to share the knowledge.

Anyways till next time!!

Camera Date.

I haven't updated in so long!
So I decided to upload a video update.

My feet hurt.

Okay for some odd reason every time I go to another country I end up walking like there was a war and all the cars stopped working which requires me to walk across the countryside to find water and food because aliens have taken over and there is nobody left on the planet...okay maybe I'm still tired..0_0

But ANYWAYS yes my feet hurt!!!
I'm proud though! I took the subway all by myself yesterday (haha I sound like a 5 year old).

Yesterday I went around to random places in Seoul with a fellow teacher of mine named Mina. I took the following picture (that's her in it) because I was amazed at the subway station. We were walking underground and I asked her where the subway was and she looked at me confused and pointed right beside where we were standing. And then I realized over the past 5 years they had installed these cool clear glass WALLS that open when the subway arrives! TOO COOL! Except apparently they put them there to prevent suicide jumpers. Hm.



And then at night I met up with Jason.
We went to this Sam-gyub-sal place and ordered some meat. And then when the meat came out, Jason's like 'Oh I don't eat pork'. *WHAT?* So I had to finish (almost finish) the whole thing by myself. I was so full (but secretly really satisfied too)



More meat.



Anyways it's Sunday! So we're going to church soon. It's a church called Jubilee and I've heard some really good things about it. The sermons are all in English so that's a big relief! I know that God has something in store for me, even in Korea. I still miss everyone back home though!

Gimpo. Bimpo.

AH!

I'm here finally. The big motherland Korea!

I have yet to find an adapter so I have to make this entry pretty short because my battery is going to die soon...T_T

Tonight is the end of my second day here but I feel like it's been a week. It's only about 10pm right now but I'm dead tired. My dreams for a normal sleeping pattern has finally come true!

Anyways here are some pictures & writing...


This is a cool picture I took outside the plane window. I just it looked so sick how the moon was reflecting off of the plane, I felt like I was a bird or an alien spaceship. Okay so I'm more than dead tired, so a lot of what I say may not make sense. Oh well!


This is a picture of my halmuhnee (grandma) and myself. I visited her yesterday with my grandpa. When I came, my grandpa asked her whether she recognized me. 'Molla-yoh?' And she kept staring at me and then she made a face of angst and said 'Moh-re-get-suh', which means 'I don't know!' It's hard for her to talk and have facial expressions. I think something messed up her nervous system when she collapsed a year and a half ago from hypoglycemic issues. Anyways after a bit my grandpa said in Korena, 'It's Lisa! Lisa don't you remember?' And then my grandma made another face of angst and cried out 'Ee gae Lisa yah!' (this is lisa!!) as if she was in pain that she didn't recognize me at first. It was really heartbreaking for me but I kept it all inside and wore a smile for her. For some odd reason I felt like the things I learned in my Health Science class about aging people really helped me to be more understanding of the issue. Although my grandma has lost some functions I still know she's the same person inside. I love her and I hope I can visit her again~


This is my grandpa saying bye to my grandma.


This my aunt and one of my little cousins! She's so cute and I'm thankful that my aunt taught her English so we could converse in English. She has this huge drawing pad that she showed me and it's so creative! She makes up characters and it's kind of like the notebook that Rachel has and what she draws in her notepad (Rachel if you are reading this...tehe). Anyways really sweet kid. Oh! She's the younger sister of the cousin I talked about in my previous entry!

Okay that's it for now.
I am so exhausted. I'm sharing a room with Carol and her friend Mina. I'll take pics another time.
I'm kind of scared but I really want to venture off on my own tomorrow but like i said I'm scared. Haha..ha. *sigh*.
But I really need a watch. But yea Sharon and her cousin Esther are right beside us so it's pretty nice.
Training starts Monday! Apparently the Princeton Review hired 60 summer teachers which sounds absolutely mad. I wonder how they admin all that.

Well till another time when I have stories!

i like skin.

For some reason I've been really getting into skincare regimes these days.
This is probably another one of my 'getting into' things that lasts for a bit and then disappears and then returns. I think I vaguely remember using toner when I was 13 but it's a distant and foggy memory.

Anyways!
Tonight I tried out the much talked about 'Aspirin Mask'.
It's basically a facial mask that works as an exfoliate.
It works SO WELL!!! *SUPER APPLAUSE*.
After I was done my skin felt so soft and supple, especially around my nose.

There's a few ways you can make it but I made mine out of:


&


First I wet four non-coated aspirins in a small plate with some water until they bubbled and fizzed. And then I added honey and mixed it around. I just applied the whole thing in my face in circular motions and then waited for 10 minutes and then washed it all off. Then I cleaned my face further with some toner and then applied face lotion, but even before the lotion my face felt so soft!

I've also been buying things from LUSH.
Why have I never realized what an awesome store this place is till now?
First I bought solid shampoos. They lather so well and make my hair feel healthy and really clean! This one is Godiva, I just bought it cause it smelled the best, and I also bought Seanik (no pic).



Today I bought Sweet Japanese Girl, which is an exfoliating facial soap. I haven't tried it yet but I made my mom try it and I think it works well. Just have to use it for a few weeks to truly see the results.



I also invested in some toner. It was kind of expensive but when comparing to toners from other brandnames, it's pretty cheap in comparison. And the bottle is huge! And apparently it's vegan. (I'm not sure...why uh..er.ya). It feels nice on the skin, and doesn't sting at all!



Yes. I'm excited to go to Korea and buy things from 'The Face Shop'. I heard their products are really good and cheap too!

On another note:
I AM GRADUATED!! (wha??)
I am trying to face the reality of it head on but it's been hard in many ways. I was looking at these self-reflection questions from Idealist.org relating to going into the nonprofit field and I realized how little I know about my professional self. I could blame it on my lack of work experience but I feel like I have no excuse! I just want to try out any job at any nonprofit and see who I am from there, but I will have to pray and reflect more on this.

Hopefully Korea won't be a distraction (ha), but more of a help.
A few things I'm looking forward to in Korea are:

- have long talks with my grandpa about life & God
- seeing my grandma
- seeing my cousins! *
- trucking up a mountain to wet my feet in cold mountain water
- buying pretty fob clothes so I can come back as a fob (HAHA)
- the food. the glorious FOOD!!
- milking my ability to speak English in every way possible
- going on a so-gae-teeng. (HAHAHA...*cough* I'm half serious)

* One of my cousins has been termed 'Ultra Jo-Sun-Shi-Dae' (You have to say the Ultra like 'ool-ter-ah') So basically she hates everything girly and frilly (which is what most korean girls like to wear). She's not into kpop, and popular things there. She's very conservative. We send her clothes from here cause apparently it's impossible to find anything without words or lace or pink on it there.

There is this awesome TRUE story of when my cousin was at a bustop in front of this university where her dad (my uncle) teaches at. (She was still in high school at that time). Anyways, she's waiting there and there was this 'kingka' waiting there too. Kingkas are the most popular guys at a school or something like that. Now usually when there are super hot guys, girls pass by them and squeal and giggle and take pictures and do idiotic things like that. But my cousin is Ms. Ultra-Jo-Sun-Shi-Dae so she paid no attention to him. So this guy is like 'what the heck, who is this girl, how can she not pay attention to me?' So he KEPT looking at her and she was getting annoyed but didn't say anything. The good part was that there was this perky girl who had her arm wrapped around the Kingka's arm, and she was getting annoyed ...


why am i telling this story... um anyways.


Yes so she was getting annoyed and when it was time to get on the bus. She said something rude to my cousin like '*scoffs, gosh how much is her wallet, it looks like it was 8,000W' So my cousin said back with equal attitude, 'no actually it was 5,000W' (Kind of saying, eat it). Anyways after that the Kingka guy got SO INTO her and asked her out but she refused, cause she hates guys who don't study and are like him. The stories go on and bottomline is that I am going to enjoy her company.

The end.

old gold.

My last assignment for my 'Health Issues in Aging' class requires me to find an old person and ask them many questions about whether our city is an 'Age-Friendly City' according to WHO guidelines.

STRESS. MAXIMUS.

I don't want to ask a random old person questions! I don't! I don't! I just want to leave them alone in peace! Although I secretly have this stereotype that old people just love to talk for hours and hours with no end. I hope that stereotype becomes alive today. *crosses fingers*

So I'm still trying to figure out what I think about 'Slum Tourism'. I kind of want to take part in it, but my teacher thinks the ideology behind it may not be right. Because I suppose it's true, can we really apprehend the hopelessness and true despair of being homeless and poor from just living it within a week? Knowing that you only have to 'buh-tyuh' it for one week because you have a warm bed to go to at the end of it all. I never realized all these issues with homelessness before.

Affordable housing! Affordable housing! Affordable housing!

So...
my future is at stake. I hate this graduation process and love it at the same time.

1. Get the internship and be abroad for 6 months
2. Don't get the internship and find a crummy job till I can apply to grad school.
3. Go to New Zealand to run away from my fear of not knowing what to do
4. Three year long-term mission living with the poorest of the poor in Asia
5. Find a man, marry him, live at home and have 12 babies.

JAhskdjhjkahsd.
I'm praying hard for this one.
To trust in God.
To just enjoy being with him.
To rely on him and not to worry about it all.
I know that everything is going to be okay!

On another note of life,
so last night I told him 'No'.
And after I went and flopped on Grace's bed and passively vented about it.
I think I did what I need for myself, the best for myself.
But a definite part of me wishes that I could've given it a try.
But I'm just placing all my trust in God with my heart.
If he we're meant to date later then it will happen!
But for now I'm going to believe that God has someone who can spiritually lead me and I'm really relying on that now.
God is faithful! And God always fulfills his promises!

Time to find an old person now...

Lip balm for Heart

I've been doodling around with my new camera,
I love it so much!

I keep wishing that time would just stand still so I could have one moment to myself where i could just think about what is going on in my life.

For some reason I feel intoxicated right now although it's far from the case.

I've noticed that I've been being mean to people who are close to me and far from me.

I want to call my mom and depend on her but she spoils me too much with her words and her love. She's always on my side, but I have to learn how to be my on my side as well.

The retreat is tomorrow and I'm glad it is. Last time I was excited to go to the retreat because the one before that was just amazing. The one I went to last wasn't amazing, but it was good. I felt like God did talk to me there but like so many times before, the feelings will never stay.

I wonder why God made it so that the feelings could never stay. Feelings are fleeting. Why must it be better to be human than robots. Why must pain exist to teach us the way we should go and to build our character.

I ask the same questions with the same tone. I want to ask different questions, but I can't until I really get out of this mess.

I don't even want to talk about this mess I'm in with anyone around me. Because peoples' words are useless. They don't understand, no one really does. No one impresses me anymore. It's so strange and cocky to say that. But it's true. Perhaps it's cause I don't have a lot of Spirit in me these days but I get bored and think haughty thoughts so often these days.

I need some renewal.

2008.

Learning?
I want to run away from here.
I want to live on my own.
There are things that I see in myself that are invisible to others.
I can't be myself.
I don't what myself is.
I'm getting older.
More expectations are put on me.
I don't know how to be these things.
I am out of the social strata.
And nobody understands.
You say you understand me.
I know you do.
The books say you do.
But I don't know what that means.
Saying yes to the sprit means so little to me right now.
Stretch me to my limits.
I can't do it my way.
And I can't follow without no vision.
Give me a vision.
Place in me what you want.
I'd rather be a robot rather than this.

Why can't I live a crazy life?
Why can't I just not care about what others think?
Why do I care whether they like me or not?
Why do I care whether they love me or not?
What does that all mean in the end anyway?
It means nothing. It means nothing at all.
What worth is there in these things.
What worth is there in the reason that I live right now?

Waking up and waking up and waking up.
And sleeping and sleeping and sleeping.
Eating and eating and eating.
Waking up and waking up and waking up.
And sleeping and sleeping and sleeping.

Traveling.
The world is small.
Here and there, you can't run away from your own heart.
The purpose isn't out there.
It's in here.

I'm bored.
I want out.
I want something new.
I want pain. And i want it now.
I want it in a way that I haven't had before.
Because having a problem is better than this.
Neither here nor there.
Then you have a reason to be apathetic and depressed.
But here there is no such thing.

I am not a real daughter am i.
I mean it says that you discipline the ones you love.
But you're not disciplining me.
You're not disciplining me.
You're not saying anything to me.
Those times recently you said that you loved me.
But it was all a lie wasn't it?
How come you won't discipline me?

What does discipline mean to you?
To give you pain?
To give you discomfort?
What if my kindness will lead you into repentance.
What if it is the way that I want to shape you?
To stand up on your own and make your way to me.
Are you a little child?
You don't want to be a little child.
You don't like it when people look at you as an immature cute little thing.
Do I treat you like this?
Or do I treat you as a woman. As a soldier.
Will you 'man up'? Or do you desire me to baby you like before?
What is it that you want?
For me to 'hit you'? For me to lavish baby talk upon you?
I am neither this nor that.
I will not follow the way that you think is best for yourself.
Stop seeking the things that you wish to seek
Stop seeking the things that you have always seen.
I am God Almighty. I cannot be put into a box. Told what to do.
I am doing what I want to do because I am your God.
I am here. I love you. I want you.
If you hear the knocks on your door.
Open the door. If you want true life, open the door.
Open and live. I come to give you living water.
Something that this world cannot give.
Something that is more than these things that you have been seeking.
These things the moths will destroy.
But what I give to you, nothing can destroy.
Seek the truth .
Seek reality.
Seek justice.
Have purpose in the life that I have given you.

Will you surrender?
Are you all talk?
Are you all talk?

Will you obey?
Or are you all talk?

2008.
Here it begins.