Friday, April 30, 2010


I farted REALLY loud before I shot this video...I hope other people in other balconies didn't hear me. so emBARassing.

Saturday, April 10, 2010


Wow I have not prayed this much in one week since I got SAVED.

Every day it gets 0.01% easier.
Owning up to my own sin and mistakes.
Means being humbled but lifted up with God's pure and overwhelming love.
Constant prayer means constant peace.
Subdued pain made real with honesty of the heart!

Talking to each of my friends about the same issue makes me warmed.
Because each person responds differently in their own way.
But each way is in love and for that I am grateful and thankful.
SO thankful for anybody who has prayed for me once this week.

My eyes are focused on how one day I will be in heaven.
And my tears will be wiped away.
My focus is trying to realize that the kingdom is coming
And I need to wake up!
My realization is that God never left me.
He knows me. He loves me. He understands me.

I gave myself one week to be super sad, skipping all my classes or whatnot.
But joy comes with the morning.
And there's no wasting time feeling ones own pain
when theres so many other people in pain & dying around me, in this world.
He's got this.

Like my unnie friend said, "God knows what he is doing :)"

I remember finding this picture online on a forum somewhere.

I want to read my Bible so much that it's in THIS state!

Monday, April 5, 2010

internalized question

I think my life revolves around this common theme and question of 'what is the root that makes me myself?'

I live life, I experience pain and hurt, and the opposite of that as well. Then one day I happen to look up or down, and then finally into my heart and realize I haven't been being real with myself. I start to ask, 'what is it that makes me myself?' 'What is it that is still me after all the mess-ups and good times?'

I know that I'm lost and confused. Yet there is also the choice of choosing whether to feel lost and confused. But sometimes I wonder if I choose not to be, whether I'm being real with myself. Living in denial is so much easier than having to admit that you don't have it together as much as you thought you did.

i realized something about myself and that is that i am never satisfied. With myself, with situations, with others, with life. Yes there's that never ending thirst but most of the time it isn't paired with gratefulness and that's where i lose joy.

I realized today that life has been revolving too much around my own heart and mind and not enough on others. I feel so much at a loss for my own cause that I feel like I don't have enough energy to give unto others as I should. I know God that you give full life and living water but I haven't been drinking. I want to drink differently because the past ways aren't working for me.

I've been saying 'something's got to change' 'something's got to change' for so long but nothing is changing. 'what is it in me that's holding unto something. what is it that i need to let go'. There are simple answers and then there are more complex ones.

I am so frustrated with my vanity. My desire to be liked by others, the desire to be right in the eyes of others. When will my heart pound eyes and action for only Christ alone? When will I start to learn that loving is the best way to go. How do I change my perspective?

The only peace I have these days is that Christ has risen. One day all of this will pass away, and he will wipe away all my tears. And I will be with him forever and ever. It's the only thing that is keeping me going.

My lent that made me abstain from sweets and things of the sort made me realize a few things about myself. One is that I am addicted to sweets and sugar. And two when you take something out of your life that isn't right for you, you need to fill it with something else that is. By not intaking sweets, I should've been intaking more of God's word. The same thing applies to my year alcohol fast. I'm not drinking alcohol but I should be drinking more of living water.

If these challenges to change weren't difficult, then it wouldn't be true change and character. There's a hurtful twist in your heart when you make a right decision that is hard to do. It's sad that I've only felt that twist a few times in my life, because I think those twists were what made my character, as little as it is, what i am made to be.

My thought are all jambled.

In service, I really liked those 'I am second' videos. It made me realize something that is so often forgotten and that is love. The father's love is what changes us inside. Love love love. Him loving us no matter how many times we've messed up. His love covering us and just wanting relationship with us. I love you Jesus, and I haven't said it on Easter Monday many times before, but thank you for the cross. And thank you for rising up on the third day. Peace comes with the truth~~

I gots hope y'all I dos.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

the rittle things.

The other night I was riding the subway and I was playing scramble with my itouch.
This game has haunted to the point of addiction (but that's another story).
I looked up now and then and noticed an old Indian man (I am just assuming he was indian, maybe he was Trinidadian and I'm just being racist right now but anyway), who kept looking at me and was writing something on his pad of paper.

Usually this would piss me off because I don't like weird "starers" especially if they're old but for some reason it didn't bother me.
So it got to my stop and as I was getting off, the old man handed me a piece of paper and he had SKETCHED ME. Regardless I looked like a forty year old with skin problems but I was SO SO pleased! I've always dreamed for that to come true and it actually happened!! I couldn't stop beaming with smiles all the way to the coffee shop I went to!

It makes me think, how the 'rittle things' that strangers do for one another really can brighten up ones day (or night)! i think I might start doing little things like that too just cause I feel so blessed!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010




i can't explain any more because i'm getting daksal. HAHA

Tuesday, February 9, 2010


His realness begins from the moment I breathe
The wake of a new day
and the moment I say hello.

Quiet night sky with the stars above.
The airplane flies by and I know it's okay.
Because he's saying hello back.
Because he's saying 'I love you' still.

I love God's grace. I love how it is new each day and I love how it meets you with a different taste at different moments in your life. I love how God always allows U-turns. I love how God allows you to be tired in his arms and how he challenges you to the hurt-most core. With God, it's about being real. It's about being 100% or nothing. It's about living a crazy sort of life because he's sort of crazy sort of God who does crazy sorts of things.


Anyhowsers. I went on a lovely date today. We went to The Boiler House at The Distillery District and it was quite good there! And yes I suppose today is day one. (holymothersocscaredit'sbeenwaytoolongandidon'tknowwhati'mdoingbuthe'sagoodboysoit'llbeokay). :)

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

hard decisions


sometimes you have to make hard decisions.
hard decisions so that you can make the best of your life.
decisions that God lets you choose to go one way or the other.
decisions that take that extra muscle in your character that is more difficult to use than the others.

even if people around you disagree with you.
even if your own heart disagrees with you.
but that one tic toc inside says mmhmm. "i'm here with you".

2. tick

3, 4.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010


I am sick after a hiatus of not being sick for a year and a half.
Boo to my fail immune system!

I am so excited for this year. I am SO excited for 2010!
I am so ready to surrender and realistically change everything.
i told a few people this but there are four areas of my life that I want to work on specifically and those are:

1. boys
2. alcohol
3. laziness
4. materialism

To be honest I feel like the third one is going to be the hardest because I'm such a cow in so many ways.
Strength from God!

One other thing that i really really want to work on is building my relationships this year into stronger, more honest and truer ones. Especially with those girlfriends that I've come to know and love in the past few years (and months). I want to learn to love and stop thinking always about myself, ESPECIALLY with those girls (and one or two guys).