Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Him and You.

I kissed your picture this morning
and I knew that you liked it

Every time I come back,
we have such a good time together.
Sometimes I forget that it started off with pain and confusion.

The curves of my body
The shape of my soul
I feel so pretty when I'm with you

It excites me!
Where will it go from here?
My whole life. Your whole Life.
So much to do. So much to feel and say.
Where will you take me?
Where will I take you?

Is it true?
It's true
Is it?
It is

You're so patient.
You're so loving.
You're so gentle.
You're so beautiful.

And you know me.
And you accept me.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

My Little Pep Rally

Grades aren't everything! If God wants me get to grad school or wherever, if I work hard he'll get me there!

Guys aren't everything!! So this time it didn't work again (but ended on a good note thankfully), but that's okay! I kind of want to leave this area and fly away~~~ And be free of desires and all those feelings. Mmm.

Vanity is certainly not everything! I got my wisdom teeth pulled out and half of my face is Who cares!

I found cheap pants today! Two pairs!

And a nice white belt!!
....but who cares about those things too!!


Emptying out. Emptying out.
He doesn't seem to want to give up on this 'taking the entire territory of me' thing.

Great pep rally thereee.

I don't want hold back myself from living.
I want to eat banana pancakes!
I want to feel sexy too!
I want to write stories like I used to when I was little!
I want to chase after Jesus and have him chase after me.
I don't want to hide behind these masks!
I want to be able to say "thank you!" when somebody calls me pretty instead of shying away!
I want to read extensively and learn about world ISSUES.
I want to go horseback riding again!
I want to run really fast across a football stadium like in those korean dramas!
I don't want to care that the side of my face looks like this! I want to feel EQUALLY as beautiful no matter what!
I want to capture and take hold of what God has for me.
I want to immerse in his blessings and share them!
I want to love others like crazy!
I want to jump and dance and skip and laugh and cry with everyone I meet!
I want to love and lose love and be happy that I loved!
I want to wash myself in the summer rain too~
I want to STUDY and actually WORK HARD for once.
I don't want to care what others think about me! And if they think wrong about me I want to think right about them!
'Cause that's what it's about~~ At least one part....

OH Jesus,
thank you for not giving up on me.

not a bad pep rally after all~

Thursday, March 8, 2007

one poem. one thought.

the texture of the wall
the ticking of my life

the wall and me
the wall and me

nails scratched and screamed at
yet nobody hears
not even me

fake smiling still
disappointed they can't see

the wall and me
the wall and me

the shadow between
and a fearful truth ahead
a fearless truth ahead

the wall and


I have mentioned these thoughts about reality to others before,
but nobody has really understood what I was saying.
I'm not sure if it is because they don't experience what I experience,
or whether it's due to my lack of eloquence.

Well what is reality to me?
Most of the time reality doesn't seem real to me.
That this is actually a deep dream.
That I won't die. That I can't.
Even if I cut my finger now by myself, the blood is not real, or something.

Why do I feel this? Or rather think or perceive this?
Because I have seen and felt a truer reality in my life.
Those moments where you are truly 'alive'.
Are they countable on my fingers? Maybe, but all I know is that
there is something spiritual that is real.

I've had dreams that seemed more real than me typing on this laptop right now.
I've had hot tears stream down my face, with me screaming out to God in anger, and a real spiritual 'smoothie' (i'd like to say) pouring over my tired soul.
I've had passionated intense real life moments.
I want it. I want it constantly. And maybe that's what heaven is like. Me being completely real.
I wonder what that would be like.

Monday, March 5, 2007

I can do this. I can do this. I this.

I didn't get much sleep last night.
I was working on my assignment and the sad thing is I spent about 2 hours looking at books online to buy.

Why do I do this to myself? I know that everybody goes through major strains of procrastination but for some reason I feel like mine is rooted in a deeper issue/problem. (Other than my laziness which is pretty big in itself).

A lot of thoughts and deep issues are rising up within me these days. Things that I don't want to feel or deal with. Last week during reading week, I had a big pang of loneliness. The kind that is really deep and that nobody can understand.

I want out of this. I want out. How amazing would it be to be a person of diligence? How respectful and stewardly. I think right now, laziness is actually one of they key factors. But perhaps fear is another. Fear to know what I'm capable of? It sounds so idiotic but maybe it's a true too.

This week is going to be quite a...week. Nonstop work. Forget going to the movies or any dates. What was I thinking! Oh by the way, the thing between me and the boy is at the 'try out a few dates and see where it goes' kind of thing. Pretty cool except for the fact that I get nervous and can't talk properly when I'm with him. Har har.

Jesus can only help me. I feel as though I am leaning fully on his arm right now. Or something. Why do I feel or think this? Because I know myself and how tired I am physically and mentally and spiritually yet I am still holding up. I can still carry a conversation with smiles and not constantly think about my issues. This is the grace of God. I am no mighty person.

Well. Best of luck to me and everyone who is going to be leaning this weak!

Thursday, March 1, 2007

And this is me...

If you are my friend, you will come to know that I have pocahonatas sleeping bag/blanket that I must/love to stroke ever since my mother (mother? who uses mother these days?) threw out my baby pink blanket.
I really like smoked salmon
I have always loved reading about food in novels. Like when the author describes the melted cheese on bread and fresh goat milk in Heidi.
I cut my toenails when they become so long that it comes to the point where it is uncomfortable to sleep
Speaking of sleep, I must pee right before I sleep. If I pee and lie awake for 20 minutes, I must go pee again if I feel I am on the urge of sleepage.
I eat when I'm bored or when I have a lot of thoughts on my mind.
When I read, I read 8-10 books at a time.
I think I secretly think I'm smart.
I also secretly want to be a yuppie.
When I was little, I wanted to be my brother. Or to be like my brother. That is why I have fond memories of the WWF.
I like cozy things.
I also only like winter for the first few days and then I don't like it anymore.
When I sleep I need to have something in between my arms and my body. I also prefer it if I am holding something in my hand. I also don't like it when my arm hangs off my bed.
I don't like things that are popular even though I secretly like them.
When I was little, my aunt bought me a doll-making kit for Christmas. I started it with my grandma but never finished it. It haunts me to this day and therefore I will have to make a doll before I die or I might go crazy.
I admire Audrey Hepburn to a great extent because she is the epitome of lovely.
I have a complex because I want to be this person I made up in my head but I'm not so I end up not liking myself. But then some days I realize that God made me a certain way so I like myself. But then I start not liking myself. And this is my tiring cycle.
Ever since I was little, I have been into visual art.
I love making things.
I really like sour candies.
My favourite icecreams are cookie dough, mint chocolate, superkid from laura secord, and coffee from haigen daiz
I like making lists, looking at them, not completing them, throwing them away, and then making new lists.
I am incredibly spoiled but will deny it to everyone.
I am often rash but I am also improving in this area. I think.
I like reading classics. I am not sure if it's because the material is enlightening, because that's all I've ever read and therefore don't know if I would like non-classics, or because it sounds pretty 'up there' to say "i like reading classics".
My favourite pizza is just mushrooms and lots of tomato sauce.
My favourite cartoons when I was little was Sailor Moon, Daria, Simpsons, Xmen, and Captain Planet. But it's weird because I always seemed to miss Captain Planet when it was on. Maybe I liked it because it was rare to see.
My favourite school snack when I was little were blue gushers. I think.

And this is me...for now.