Sunday, November 29, 2009

Old journal entries = Fail present self.

Does it ever happen that you try to look for a certain file in your computer and you come across a vast array of written diary entries that were hidden under secret code file names on your computer? (longest question sentence ever.) It just happened to me and my insides feel quite sick.

The reason is because I don't know where that Lisa went. I used to have so much passion. So much emotion. I cared about specific things and I had an opinion on life. I read my judgmental viewpoints and biases but I cherish that part of me back then because in those times I didn't care as much. I wrote for me. I wrote and took hold of my true thoughts even though I knew they were wrong. I stretched my insides more. I physically beat my heart because I could not take this adamant refusal of Christ-centered living without a fight, even though I knew and acknowledge that I fell every single day. I was willing to make a wrong so eventually I would get to that right.

The colour of my life is turning to grey, and I hate it. There are days where I am a bright green or a yellow, but there are rarely those days where I am a red. I need a part of my life back and I want to fight for it once again.

When I taught Bible study to grade 9 & 10 girls back in second year, we came up with this thing called a foodnalogy. Basically we would reflect and describe our spiritual condition by using an analogy of food (since we all love food. well most people love food so it's easier to get a grasp of what someone is trying to get at). I just updated my facebook with one but there are probably more. What I updated was 'It's like I'm eating a bologna sandwich trying to convince myself it's just as good as the amazing steak dinner i ate four weeks ago.' Another could be 'It's like I'm drinking watered down milk.'

I know I seem to only write when I have issues or bothersome thoughts but that's just my style. I swear I'm going to be 50 years old, look back on my blogs and journal entries and think I was one messed up emo kid. (half true). I don't know why I feel like I have to explain myself. Maybe it's because new people like Kevin Sun read my blog and think I'm going to jump off a cliff. I'm...fine. :)

On another more happy note (note to social self: people like happy notes), my small group. We're finally starting a Bible reading plan. We're trying out the 52 week Bible reading plan I found on the net for a month and see how it goes (maybe jump to another one or what not). If anybody wants a copy, lemme knowww.

From February 20, 2007:
Then you start hanging out with them.
And they start to get comfortable with you.
They share their lives with you, their jokes with you.
You share with them. Sometimes they don't understand but they accept you for who you are.
So you start getting into what they are already deeply into.
And what you do is familiar with them so they accept that you have accepted.
But deep down inside you have not accepted.
Deep down, you're just doing it to be accepted into this group of people who seem to know what they are living for.
Then one day down the line,
you'll see that you can't live for acceptance.
You can't live for lies.
So you'll break away and you'll run away.
But for some reason, you'll find that there is something that follows you, no matter how far you run.
And you wonder what it is but you ignore it.
You question what it is, but it never answers you.
Then one ordinary day.
You'll know.
It'll smack you in your face so hard and yet so light. Because it's been there with you all along.
That you do believe.
That you do know.
That it is real.
And that life is real.
The truth is real and it is within you.
Until that day.
Until that day.

Anyways if you're still reading. What's your foodnalogy?

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

I'll give myself a month.

In this wineskin journey, I was supposed to log but I completely forgot.

I was supposed to ask myself why I feel the way I do in certain circumstances. Question my reactions to situations and people. And really get down to the hardcore reasons behind my psyche. (hehe I used the word psyche).

Reading. Journalling. Blogging. Drawing.
Core Core Core.

So it's going to be 2010 soon! I'm quite dreading turning 24 next year. Even writing it out makes me shudder. God here I am open hands, open heart, with a pleasant scared smile on my face. Please use me and mold my life like playdough.

On another note I finally saw what a doodie looks like. Or wait what do they call them, other than 'joints'..doodie sounds cute so I'll say doodie. I have friends at school who are into this type of recreational activity. They are sweet guys but it kind of bothers me (only very slightly) when they call me 'innocent' for not having seen one before. Am I really naive and innocent? No I don't think of myself being that at all. I've travelled, and lived and experienced enough to be able to make what are seemingly wise decisions in my life. I never felt the need to try different things out but I know there's nothing stopping me from doing things either. I shrug my shoulders.

Anddd I think some punk kid just played nicky nicky nine doors on me. I walked all the way downstairs and opened the door to the empty street. I'ma get you kid. I'ma get you one day.

Anyways I'm going to reflect and reflect so I can make an epic end of year blogging entry to reflect all that I've learned and taken in this year! :)

A really cool art installation I found somewhere random on the net.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Under blankies. Want hot cocoa.

How has it been three months since my last post. That is insane.

I'm still struggling and reflecting on what it means to become a new wineskin. In this past week I've been seeking to have a more honest perception of my weaknesses, yet it's been difficult. When we fall in a deep pit, we come out of it depending on something. It's that something that we rely on for our self-worth, and I'm beginning to wonder if mine was really God. Yes in a greater sense it was but I'm coming to a place where it needs to go deeper than that.

New wineskin. A new way of thinking. A shifting of perspective. I think I need to be more proactive than reactive to everything that occurs around me. Once again it's hard because I tend to suck at life things in general but that's okay because Jesus doesn't and he's in me. :)

On another note, I haven't really told a lot of people but I think I'm going to stay. I still feel so hesitant saying it and I think it's because I don't want to be disappointed in the future again. This is my 7th church and I'm really hoping it'll be the 'last' but God calls us when we need to go. As long as I'm being obedient to Him in this moment then I'm at peace within myself.

I just realized my energy level is like 1.5/10 right now. Probably due to the fact that I was awoken from my peaceful slumber by visitors who are seeing the house. They didn't really end up coming upstairs when I said hi. I wonder if my face really looks that scary in the morning. So sad. Peaceful slumber was peaceful because I was exhausted from yesterday being awake from 6am-5am. It's something that I'll cherish being able to do while I'm young. I did see 7 shooting stars though and I feel so blessed!

Anyways I hate posting without a picture...even if it's not my picture.

Here is a picture a I like (even though it has nothing to do with my post)