Monday, August 17, 2009

No I don't want to be the one who lives a lie but never knew it

I received a book that I lent out back today. It's one of my favourite books: "Inside Out" by Dr. Larry Crabb.

It's difficult to read a book that preaches on things are, rather than how they should be. How long has it been I wonder since I've lived in such a state of mental denial. I'm not sure myself. It's refreshing and painful. It's character building.

I realize right now that what I've been crying out to God, and to my friends is relief. Relief from pain and confusion. What I wanted were easy solutions to difficult and complex problems. Yet he's been laying it down and down again so many times. That in spite of how messed up things can be, and how people can be: God is. Is this truth as easy to swallow as it is to say? No I don't think so.

"the route to joy always involves the very worst sort of internal suffering we can imagine. We rebel at that thought."

A quote from the book's introduction. I recall myself following in God's path so many times in the past; realizing that it takes pain and suffering to get to something good. But living a life in God is not the same as working a job or going to school. We study hard and work hard looking forward to those few days of vacation or freedom. "Ah now we can relax and feel good inside."

If the goal of my spiritual life is to 'feel good' and find relief from this pain, then I am headed towards a dark future, and a lot of disappointment. We groan for heaven but heaven is not now. The kingdom of God can be brought here on earth, but it's not heaven. Pain, disappointment, emptiness and loneliness are a part of life because there is sin in this world.

I hope that in the next few weeks of reflection I'll be filled with the Holy Spirit. Not to 'feel better', but to just be more closer and intimate with God. To remember truth. To remember love. To remember reality but to kiss it even if it burns instead of running away. My fear is to be a coward. I've said the same thing over and over, but hey humans are slow! I'm especially slower...and it'll take time to learn this important "lesson".

Anyways here's to prayer, drawing, reflecting, reading!


Xtiramisu said...

Great post! I have so much to say.
Possibly I'll blog an entry as a reflection to yours..
and I will be quoting you if that's okay??

"To remember truth. To remember love. To remember reality but to kiss it even if it burns instead of running away. My fear is to be a coward."

Really, what an awesome quote! You nailed it for me.

eunzi kim said...

i hear you...
it's been an extremely uncomfortable and painful past few months for me. sometimes i don't even know what i'm struggling with, or why. i'm always wrestling with something, and it's draining. it's so easy to feel like you want to give up, and and give in.
i'm a rebel by nature, (so they all say) so when it comes to admitting to myself who i really am, and then to accept when i look at myself in the mirror, it's so painful, sometimes i feel like bursting into tears. more and more, i've been feeling like i can't do this on my own. it's much to difficult, too painful... and not only is it impossible to bear on my own, but it's straining my relationship with others as well. and that's when i realize, i need to Fully Rely On God. :S so corn eh? HAHAHA

love u! i hope you have a good week, and conquer your demons with God! :D

Xtiramisu said...

I'm so sorry to hear about that. I'll definitely be keeping your family in my prayers tonight. I hope you're okay, I don't really know what to say... but I'm glad that you, or at least *someone*, reads my blog posts.
In the past while I've just been so sensitive and emotional. Whenever I would hear lyrics to a song or a story about how our Father cares and loves us deeply.. my heart would kinda start to cry. And I know it's because my soul & spirit is just desperate for Him.. and I'm certainly not doing a good job of feeding myself with what I need, nor am I doing a good job of dealing with the insecurities and pains I come face to face with everyday.
So that is why I write about living simply.. because I have let my mind get so far ahead of where I stand today, that I'm sorta starting to lose a sense of "who I am".

I don't know if any of that really made any sense lol because I've been having a whole ton of emotions and thoughts lately.. but at the end of the day, it is "what matters most" that counts and lasts.. and I hope you and I can continue to remember and cherish that fact.

I'm always here to talk if you ever randomly need it.. if not, you always have my blog to read :)