I received a book that I lent out back today. It's one of my favourite books: "Inside Out" by Dr. Larry Crabb.
It's difficult to read a book that preaches on things are, rather than how they should be. How long has it been I wonder since I've lived in such a state of mental denial. I'm not sure myself. It's refreshing and painful. It's character building.
I realize right now that what I've been crying out to God, and to my friends is relief. Relief from pain and confusion. What I wanted were easy solutions to difficult and complex problems. Yet he's been laying it down and down again so many times. That in spite of how messed up things can be, and how people can be: God is. Is this truth as easy to swallow as it is to say? No I don't think so.
"the route to joy always involves the very worst sort of internal suffering we can imagine. We rebel at that thought."
A quote from the book's introduction. I recall myself following in God's path so many times in the past; realizing that it takes pain and suffering to get to something good. But living a life in God is not the same as working a job or going to school. We study hard and work hard looking forward to those few days of vacation or freedom. "Ah now we can relax and feel good inside."
If the goal of my spiritual life is to 'feel good' and find relief from this pain, then I am headed towards a dark future, and a lot of disappointment. We groan for heaven but heaven is not now. The kingdom of God can be brought here on earth, but it's not heaven. Pain, disappointment, emptiness and loneliness are a part of life because there is sin in this world.
I hope that in the next few weeks of reflection I'll be filled with the Holy Spirit. Not to 'feel better', but to just be more closer and intimate with God. To remember truth. To remember love. To remember reality but to kiss it even if it burns instead of running away. My fear is to be a coward. I've said the same thing over and over, but hey humans are slow! I'm especially slower...and it'll take time to learn this important "lesson".
Anyways here's to prayer, drawing, reflecting, reading!