Another one

I'll settle for that for now!
To like someone as a person,
but not as anything else
To forgo the thought that anything can work anymore
with anyone in any circumstance
What a safe hiding place this is.
At least here I cannot get hurt
and I can hide behind the words,
"I'm waiting for the right one"
and
"I'm trusting that one day God will bring some one my way"
Although to be honest,
I have a lot of trouble trusting in God for this area of my life.
So this person is great
and that person is great
But no person is great for me.
That's okay.
That's okay~
I suppose.

my place.
the place where i am me.
a desire to be this or that.
anything just to be loved.
to be respected.
to be revered as someone who is great.
someone who knows who they are.
does this stream from a deeper cause?
things are falling apart.
i do not feel like i belong that i am a part of this social structure any more.
things have become meaningless.
and i want to see just how deep i can swim in this sea.
how deep i can go.
and how dark.
Jesus is.
but no more pretences.
i don't really believe i have a problem with you.
i just have a problem with me.
am i angry at you?
no i don't think so.
but maybe i am a little disappointed.
a disappointment that i know is wrong,
so i remain silent within myself.
what is this faith journey?
where am i really going?
no matter how far i go from here, to anywhere in this world,
i know that it will be the same.
we stay the same no matter where we go
for truly like the cliche saying goes,
home is where the heart is.
internal circumstances will always overcome external ones.
the base within.
changing external circumstances may seem like things are changing
that things are improving
but if your heart is sick then nothing can change that.
no relationship, no money, or materialistic possession.
neither things like fame or power.
nothing can change that pain inside,
because what is inside is so disconnected with what is outside.
an answer comes.
apparently there is one thing that can change what is inside
and he moves silently and he moves in surprising ways.
apparently God can.
aoparently the power of God, him himself can change what is inside
because he knows how to change it because he made it.
he knows exactly what to do.
now the problem arises here.
how to get him to start it, or to change me.
how to feel that change
there always seems to be a disconnect between what is real
and what is real in my head.
i am tired of being wrong.
i am so tired of getting it wrong.
i am tired of being proud
and yet holding unto my pride like it is the last thing before i disappear into something unspoken.
i am tired of caring what other people think.
i am tired of many thoughts that float in my head and stay there floating.
i am tired of myself going at this with different approaches and getting nowhere
i am tired of feeling sorry for myself
i am tired of distracting myself with other things that have no meaning in themselves.
i am tired of caring.
if the answer is that it will never change
that this is my complex
that i will never reach any state other than this,
then i want to know it.
because if it is true then at least i can stop trying for something better
but if this is it, then i want to know
then i'll be able to begin learning how to deal with it
with life.
but i don't want to believe that this is true.
i want to believe that there is something more to it
that one day it will be all different in my head
and in my life.
at least there is heaven,
at least there it will actually be different.
but heaven can come any day,
a day that i dont know of
we can all really die any second,
if it is what God wants
so till that second
i want something more than this.
it is quite depressing when you have found the answer to life
but you can't access it.
some people spend their entire lives searching for the meaning of life
well i have found it
so now...what.
to be honest,
i really wonder.
some people say it is fear within, of life and itself
that people believe in God.
that people have made him up so that they feel better about themselves.
well truthfully i want to know.
i want to go to that end and then come back.
then i will know if it is true or not.
i want to be able to let go of those fears
ask those questions
and free myself from my own bondage that i have put upon my own life
so that i can be free
and actually be free, we are free to believe anything we want.
to know that and THEN believe.
then my faith will be truer,
it will be better than just staying here in this pit of questioning questionless, emptiness
i am always too afraid to step over the bridge.
but i don't want to become that 1 lost sheep again,
but secretly i want to know whether i am worth finding again to God
although i know i am.
my thoughts are sinful i know
but i want to be honest with myself and with God
rather than hide my thoughts which are true to my head.

Deep Desire

I don't want to be binded by these walls of social structure.
I don't want to fear what would happen to me if today I just got up and left.
I want to believe that my God is bigger than all of this.
I just want to breathe the air that is outside and not in.
I want to touch long grasses of life itself.
I want the realness of it all. I want freedom, from myself and from others.
I want to pop all these bubbles that I have kept myself in.
I want to read my Bible till the pages fall out.
I want to seek and seek and seek.
I want to travel and step on ground that no one has ever stepped on before.
I never want to forget.
I never want to let go.
I never want it to die down.
I never want a normal life.
Because we only get one chance.
And this minute that has just passed away will never ever ever come back to me again.
Life is real. And death is equally as real.
What kind of life will I lead?
Will be I bind myself in or loose myself out?
All is reflected in eternity and I don't want to lose any second of my time here.
So things that mattered to me before, don't matter to me now.
I don't need a job to have security.
For Jesus is my secure rock in life.
Money doesn't matter but money gives power.
Speak for those who have no voice.
And care for those who have no one to care for them.
Jesus is them, the least of them are You.
Singing and dancing all the way long.
Let me live.
Let me LIVE.
Let me LIVE THIS LIFE for YOU.

whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

I hate hate times like these.
Where I am unhappy inside
but I am still happy or apathetic on the outside lining of my heart.

I hate how I don't know who I am anymore,
and I hate how I want to have all the answers.
I hate how I'm so aware of my consciousness of my goodness and badness.

I hate how I'm listening to all this indie music and how I'm liking it.

I disklike how I'm holding back from being myself.
Once again, WHO AM I?

I'm so stubborn EH?

let me start from the beginning:
- acted like a grown up when I was 2, drank coffee & spent my time with university girls
- didn't like sweets when I came back to korea
- loved going to preschool/kindergarden, didn't cry leaving mom
- first strongest desire to do anything that i can remember was to READ
- was a dramatic kid
- was a depressed kid
- was a hyper and happy kid
- didn't understand world vision commercials and stuck with me till the end
- loved my brother and wanted to be like him
- pink power ranger
- had glasses since i was 8
- lessons learned & quit: swimming, skating, skiing, piano, violin, horseback riding
- silverbirch club
- loved pink, then hated it, then liked it again
- definite ugly phase happened and self-esteem went down
- didn't have korean friends till grade 9
- church history messed up
- believed that was God was real ever since i could remember
- so many crushes....they lasted for so long too
- i just wanted to be wanted
- things i wanted to be: philosopher, teacher, paleontologist, architect, artist, writer, doctor
- i still don't feel comfortable in my own skin, i don't think i ever did
- read hard books without understanding them
- hated that rep, yet loved it, without it, who was i
- first year showed it was a facade, isn't it continuously


Maybe I am kidding myself all along.
I'm still that little girl inside.
Maybe I'm not that open,
maybe it's not that easy getting to know the real me.
Maybe I'm emotionally premiscuous because then people won't ask.
Maybe I don't respect guys too.
Maybe i can't take them seriously too.

I want to stop giving my heart away so easily.
But I'll never stop until I really know and understand that I am worth it.

Home-time.

A desire to be more.
Just to be filled in a way.
That'll make these tears come
Cause my face is too dry
For what I'm feeling
For what I'm thinking.

I'll never let them know
Don't throw pearls to pigs
Well maybe I'm a pig too
Why does he trust me?

I'll wake up again
And I'll remember that time
That this time was for that time
I'll wake up again
And I'll remember that time
That this time was for that time

Then this desire will fade
Because what I wanted
Wasn't what I wanted.
This is why I break
And this is why I fall.
And this what love is.
To know.

And I'll never let them know
Well maybe just one
My pearls are precious
For one precious one?

I'll wake up again
And I'll remember that time
That this time was for that time
I'll wake up again
And I'll remember that time
That this time was for that time

Questions

What is the difference between personality and character?
When you change people do you change their personality too?
Can a social butterfly be friends with everyone?
Why are girls so concerned about their weight?
Would I be that concerned about my weight if I gained more weight?
Why can't everybody be open?
Why do I always judge myself and in turn judge others?
Why do I run away from the thing that you tell me?
Why do I feel like some girls don't like me when I didn't do anything to them?
What is love?
What is the 'fear of the Lord'? Why is this fear the beginning of wisdom?
Why am I so afraid of abandonment?
Why can't I be honest and yet proclaim how honest I am?
Why do I have a misconception of who I am?
What does it mean to be a friend?
A good girlfriend?
A good wife?
A good servant?
How come I do not have a mentor
What are my spiritual gifts?

.....
and so forth

Gossip, Envy, & Love

Gossip creates envy, so much misunderstanding, confusing relationships, a hidden undertone to commnication.

I remember I gossiped so much in middle school,
but after I met Jesus in the beginning of high school, I told myself that I wasn't going to gossip.
I didn't gossip. I think probably I did a bit but I had a very keen conscious of it.

Now I'm so much older and I feel like I do it all the time.
I hate myself for doing it.
I don't even like hearing it, but sometimes I feel like if I don't listen to it,
nobody would confide anything in me.
Gossip destructs because you lose a friend and gain another.

There are times when we sincerely want to discuss feelings of angst and bitterness that is within us.
I just don't think we should talk about these with friends first.
Go to the THRONE before you go to the PHONE.
God speaks to me about my issues. This is so much better than friends who may or may not support your feelings and thoughts. People are biased and cannot fully know what you are going through. But God does.

Because I gossip at times, I feel like people gossip about me. This is unhealthy, it proves that Bible verse.

To the pure, all things are pure, but to those who are corrupted and do not believe, nothing is pure. In fact, both their minds and consciences are corrupted.
Titus 1:15

I want to stop! I want to love.
Love is what covers all wrongs. It laughs at these stupid thoughts that go through your head. It secures peace and true relationship.

I am too proud.
I am not perfect.
I am not near anything what I want to be, but I want to let go of even that.
Let God make me into the one he wants to make me, not what I think is the best me.

Letting go & Balancing & Trusting are the hardest parts of being with God I think.

Him and You.

I kissed your picture this morning
and I knew that you liked it

Every time I come back,
we have such a good time together.
Sometimes I forget that it started off with pain and confusion.

The curves of my body
The shape of my soul
I feel so pretty when I'm with you

It excites me!
Where will it go from here?
My whole life. Your whole Life.
So much to do. So much to feel and say.
Where will you take me?
Where will I take you?

Is it true?
It's true
Is it?
It is

You're so patient.
You're so loving.
You're so gentle.
You're so beautiful.

And you know me.
And you accept me.

My Little Pep Rally

Grades aren't everything! If God wants me get to grad school or wherever, if I work hard he'll get me there!

Guys aren't everything!! So this time it didn't work again (but ended on a good note thankfully), but that's okay! I kind of want to leave this area and fly away~~~ And be free of desires and all those feelings. Mmm.

Vanity is certainly not everything! I got my wisdom teeth pulled out and half of my face is so..so...big. Who cares!

I found cheap pants today! Two pairs!

And a nice white belt!!
....but who cares about those things too!!

*sigh*

Emptying out. Emptying out.
He doesn't seem to want to give up on this 'taking the entire territory of me' thing.

Great pep rally thereee.

I don't want hold back myself from living.
I want to eat banana pancakes!
I want to feel sexy too!
I want to write stories like I used to when I was little!
I want to chase after Jesus and have him chase after me.
I don't want to hide behind these masks!
I want to be able to say "thank you!" when somebody calls me pretty instead of shying away!
I want to read extensively and learn about world ISSUES.
I want to go horseback riding again!
I want to run really fast across a football stadium like in those korean dramas!
I don't want to care that the side of my face looks like this! I want to feel EQUALLY as beautiful no matter what!
I want to capture and take hold of what God has for me.
I want to immerse in his blessings and share them!
I want to love others like crazy!
I want to jump and dance and skip and laugh and cry with everyone I meet!
I want to love and lose love and be happy that I loved!
I want to wash myself in the summer rain too~
I want to STUDY and actually WORK HARD for once.
I don't want to care what others think about me! And if they think wrong about me I want to think right about them!
'Cause that's what it's about~~ At least one part....

OH Jesus,
thank you for not giving up on me.

*ahem*
not a bad pep rally after all~

one poem. one thought.

the texture of the wall
the ticking of my life

the wall and me
the wall and me

nails scratched and screamed at
yet nobody hears
not even me

fake smiling still
disappointed they can't see

the wall and me
the wall and me

the shadow between
and a fearful truth ahead
a fearless truth ahead

the wall and

__________________________

one.
reality.
I have mentioned these thoughts about reality to others before,
but nobody has really understood what I was saying.
I'm not sure if it is because they don't experience what I experience,
or whether it's due to my lack of eloquence.

Well what is reality to me?
Most of the time reality doesn't seem real to me.
That this is actually a deep dream.
That I won't die. That I can't.
Even if I cut my finger now by myself, the blood is not real, or something.

Why do I feel this? Or rather think or perceive this?
Because I have seen and felt a truer reality in my life.
Those moments where you are truly 'alive'.
Are they countable on my fingers? Maybe, but all I know is that
there is something spiritual that is real.

I've had dreams that seemed more real than me typing on this laptop right now.
I've had hot tears stream down my face, with me screaming out to God in anger, and a real spiritual 'smoothie' (i'd like to say) pouring over my tired soul.
I've had passionated intense real life moments.
I want it. I want it constantly. And maybe that's what heaven is like. Me being completely real.
I wonder what that would be like.

I can do this. I can do this. I can...do this.

I didn't get much sleep last night.
I was working on my assignment and the sad thing is I spent about 2 hours looking at books online to buy.

Why do I do this to myself? I know that everybody goes through major strains of procrastination but for some reason I feel like mine is rooted in a deeper issue/problem. (Other than my laziness which is pretty big in itself).

A lot of thoughts and deep issues are rising up within me these days. Things that I don't want to feel or deal with. Last week during reading week, I had a big pang of loneliness. The kind that is really deep and that nobody can understand.

I want out of this. I want out. How amazing would it be to be a person of diligence? How respectful and stewardly. I think right now, laziness is actually one of they key factors. But perhaps fear is another. Fear to know what I'm capable of? It sounds so idiotic but maybe it's a true too.

This week is going to be quite a...week. Nonstop work. Forget going to the movies or any dates. What was I thinking! Oh by the way, the thing between me and the boy is at the 'try out a few dates and see where it goes' kind of thing. Pretty cool except for the fact that I get nervous and can't talk properly when I'm with him. Har har.

Jesus can only help me. I feel as though I am leaning fully on his arm right now. Or something. Why do I feel or think this? Because I know myself and how tired I am physically and mentally and spiritually yet I am still holding up. I can still carry a conversation with smiles and not constantly think about my issues. This is the grace of God. I am no mighty person.

Well. Best of luck to me and everyone who is going to be leaning this weak!

And this is me...

If you are my friend, you will come to know that I have pocahonatas sleeping bag/blanket that I must/love to stroke ever since my mother (mother? who uses mother these days?) threw out my baby pink blanket.
I really like smoked salmon
I have always loved reading about food in novels. Like when the author describes the melted cheese on bread and fresh goat milk in Heidi.
I cut my toenails when they become so long that it comes to the point where it is uncomfortable to sleep
Speaking of sleep, I must pee right before I sleep. If I pee and lie awake for 20 minutes, I must go pee again if I feel I am on the urge of sleepage.
I eat when I'm bored or when I have a lot of thoughts on my mind.
When I read, I read 8-10 books at a time.
I think I secretly think I'm smart.
I also secretly want to be a yuppie.
When I was little, I wanted to be my brother. Or to be like my brother. That is why I have fond memories of the WWF.
I like cozy things.
I also only like winter for the first few days and then I don't like it anymore.
When I sleep I need to have something in between my arms and my body. I also prefer it if I am holding something in my hand. I also don't like it when my arm hangs off my bed.
I don't like things that are popular even though I secretly like them.
When I was little, my aunt bought me a doll-making kit for Christmas. I started it with my grandma but never finished it. It haunts me to this day and therefore I will have to make a doll before I die or I might go crazy.
I admire Audrey Hepburn to a great extent because she is the epitome of lovely.
I have a complex because I want to be this person I made up in my head but I'm not so I end up not liking myself. But then some days I realize that God made me a certain way so I like myself. But then I start not liking myself. And this is my tiring cycle.
Ever since I was little, I have been into visual art.
I love making things.
I really like sour candies.
My favourite icecreams are cookie dough, mint chocolate, superkid from laura secord, and coffee from haigen daiz
I like making lists, looking at them, not completing them, throwing them away, and then making new lists.
I am incredibly spoiled but will deny it to everyone.
I am often rash but I am also improving in this area. I think.
I like reading classics. I am not sure if it's because the material is enlightening, because that's all I've ever read and therefore don't know if I would like non-classics, or because it sounds pretty 'up there' to say "i like reading classics".
My favourite pizza is just mushrooms and lots of tomato sauce.
My favourite cartoons when I was little was Sailor Moon, Daria, Simpsons, Xmen, and Captain Planet. But it's weird because I always seemed to miss Captain Planet when it was on. Maybe I liked it because it was rare to see.
My favourite school snack when I was little were blue gushers. I think.

And this is me...for now.

Pillows

It started when my friend this year showed me this site that sold pillows that looked like sushi. (www.originalsushipillow.com)
Here are some examples.


&


And then I realized how awesome one of the pillows my roommate Ashley had was. I secretly took it with me to bed at night.
Um...that sounds dirty but it's true. I wish I had a picture of it. But it's a white pillow, with a slight corduoroy feel to it, with glittery silver stars on it. It's got just the right 'oomph' a pillow should have. Just a standard good pillow.
She's also got this huge orange and white stripped pillow too. It reminds me of a peach slice.

A few nights ago, I was at a friend's house and she took out this awesome huge pink pillow that said 'Nautica' on it.
That was clearly a standard good pillow as well. More points cause it was just huge. And pink.

Anyways so I have this sudden and growing interest in pillows.
Here are a few I found online.

The binary code pillow (prettttttyyyyy geeky but kinda cool)


Pillows that look like breakfast foods (which is possibly on my top 5 favourite types of food, therefore pillows that look like something on my top 5 favourite foods are just awesome)







Pebble Pillows I think this is an ingenious idea and if I ever have many children and a lot of money I will definitely invest in buying hundreds of these. For tables, for sleeping, for everything.



And last but not least The boyfriend's arm pillow
Pretty sweet for those lonely nights till you're married, except for me. I have Ashley's pillow.



I found something else online while searching for cool pillows.
It was The Pillow Fight Club
The website is www.pillowfightclub.org
They schedule pillow fights around the US I think. Maybe their leader will start one in Canada..(hehe).
They have rules too. I think they're cute.

1. You do tell everyone about PillowFight Club.
2. You do tell everyone about PillowFight Club.
3. If someone whines or has no pillow, you cannot hit them.
4. Everyone joins in the fight.
5. The one fight starts at the designated time - No earlier
6. No tar, no heavy things in pillows.
7. PillowFights will go on until they're done.
8. If this is your first night at PillowFight Club, you have to get feathered.

Here's the pic from the website:



This reminds me of the time in first year when we had a massive pillow fight between all the Science Faculties (Med Sci, Health Sci, Social Sci). We were doing it to hopefully win the World Record for it. I'm not sure if we did, but it was so fun! I was in a totally different area when it was over.

Hmmm.
I think it would be pretty cool if I started to make my own pillows.
Better put that up on my 49 things to do in life list!

One of those "I'm Alone" times

These times come to me now and then.
With everything "going for me" in my life, suddenly it all stops and nothing seems to matter anymore.

My emotions, my thoughts, everything that I go through.
I don't want to share them with anybody because they won't care as much as I want them too.
It's so stupid, but I always do stupid things.

He always seems to let me stay in these kinds of moments just as much as I need to.
Then I brush myself off and go at life again.
It's as if I am playing hide and seek by myself and I have hid in a closet.
But then dinner time comes along and my mom is calling out my name, so I have to open the closet door and step into the light. (haha so cheesy).

It's good. I'll let myself wallow and think this one out.