the place where i am me.
a desire to be this or that.
anything just to be loved.
to be respected.
to be revered as someone who is great.
someone who knows who they are.
does this stream from a deeper cause?
things are falling apart.
i do not feel like i belong that i am a part of this social structure any more.
things have become meaningless.
and i want to see just how deep i can swim in this sea.
how deep i can go.
and how dark.
but no more pretences.
i don't really believe i have a problem with you.
i just have a problem with me.
am i angry at you?
no i don't think so.
but maybe i am a little disappointed.
a disappointment that i know is wrong,
so i remain silent within myself.
what is this faith journey?
where am i really going?
no matter how far i go from here, to anywhere in this world,
i know that it will be the same.
we stay the same no matter where we go
for truly like the cliche saying goes,
home is where the heart is.
internal circumstances will always overcome external ones.
the base within.
changing external circumstances may seem like things are changing
that things are improving
but if your heart is sick then nothing can change that.
no relationship, no money, or materialistic possession.
neither things like fame or power.
nothing can change that pain inside,
because what is inside is so disconnected with what is outside.
an answer comes.
apparently there is one thing that can change what is inside
and he moves silently and he moves in surprising ways.
apparently God can.
aoparently the power of God, him himself can change what is inside
because he knows how to change it because he made it.
he knows exactly what to do.
now the problem arises here.
how to get him to start it, or to change me.
how to feel that change
there always seems to be a disconnect between what is real
and what is real in my head.
i am tired of being wrong.
i am so tired of getting it wrong.
i am tired of being proud
and yet holding unto my pride like it is the last thing before i disappear into something unspoken.
i am tired of caring what other people think.
i am tired of many thoughts that float in my head and stay there floating.
i am tired of myself going at this with different approaches and getting nowhere
i am tired of feeling sorry for myself
i am tired of distracting myself with other things that have no meaning in themselves.
i am tired of caring.
if the answer is that it will never change
that this is my complex
that i will never reach any state other than this,
then i want to know it.
because if it is true then at least i can stop trying for something better
but if this is it, then i want to know
then i'll be able to begin learning how to deal with it
but i don't want to believe that this is true.
i want to believe that there is something more to it
that one day it will be all different in my head
and in my life.
at least there is heaven,
at least there it will actually be different.
but heaven can come any day,
a day that i dont know of
we can all really die any second,
if it is what God wants
so till that second
i want something more than this.
it is quite depressing when you have found the answer to life
but you can't access it.
some people spend their entire lives searching for the meaning of life
well i have found it
to be honest,
i really wonder.
some people say it is fear within, of life and itself
that people believe in God.
that people have made him up so that they feel better about themselves.
well truthfully i want to know.
i want to go to that end and then come back.
then i will know if it is true or not.
i want to be able to let go of those fears
ask those questions
and free myself from my own bondage that i have put upon my own life
so that i can be free
and actually be free, we are free to believe anything we want.
to know that and THEN believe.
then my faith will be truer,
it will be better than just staying here in this pit of questioning questionless, emptiness
i am always too afraid to step over the bridge.
but i don't want to become that 1 lost sheep again,
but secretly i want to know whether i am worth finding again to God
although i know i am.
my thoughts are sinful i know
but i want to be honest with myself and with God
rather than hide my thoughts which are true to my head.