Friday, May 4, 2007


I hate hate times like these.
Where I am unhappy inside
but I am still happy or apathetic on the outside lining of my heart.

I hate how I don't know who I am anymore,
and I hate how I want to have all the answers.
I hate how I'm so aware of my consciousness of my goodness and badness.

I hate how I'm listening to all this indie music and how I'm liking it.

I disklike how I'm holding back from being myself.
Once again, WHO AM I?

I'm so stubborn EH?

let me start from the beginning:
- acted like a grown up when I was 2, drank coffee & spent my time with university girls
- didn't like sweets when I came back to korea
- loved going to preschool/kindergarden, didn't cry leaving mom
- first strongest desire to do anything that i can remember was to READ
- was a dramatic kid
- was a depressed kid
- was a hyper and happy kid
- didn't understand world vision commercials and stuck with me till the end
- loved my brother and wanted to be like him
- pink power ranger
- had glasses since i was 8
- lessons learned & quit: swimming, skating, skiing, piano, violin, horseback riding
- silverbirch club
- loved pink, then hated it, then liked it again
- definite ugly phase happened and self-esteem went down
- didn't have korean friends till grade 9
- church history messed up
- believed that was God was real ever since i could remember
- so many crushes....they lasted for so long too
- i just wanted to be wanted
- things i wanted to be: philosopher, teacher, paleontologist, architect, artist, writer, doctor
- i still don't feel comfortable in my own skin, i don't think i ever did
- read hard books without understanding them
- hated that rep, yet loved it, without it, who was i
- first year showed it was a facade, isn't it continuously

Maybe I am kidding myself all along.
I'm still that little girl inside.
Maybe I'm not that open,
maybe it's not that easy getting to know the real me.
Maybe I'm emotionally premiscuous because then people won't ask.
Maybe I don't respect guys too.
Maybe i can't take them seriously too.

I want to stop giving my heart away so easily.
But I'll never stop until I really know and understand that I am worth it.