whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

I hate hate times like these.
Where I am unhappy inside
but I am still happy or apathetic on the outside lining of my heart.

I hate how I don't know who I am anymore,
and I hate how I want to have all the answers.
I hate how I'm so aware of my consciousness of my goodness and badness.

I hate how I'm listening to all this indie music and how I'm liking it.

I disklike how I'm holding back from being myself.
Once again, WHO AM I?

I'm so stubborn EH?

let me start from the beginning:
- acted like a grown up when I was 2, drank coffee & spent my time with university girls
- didn't like sweets when I came back to korea
- loved going to preschool/kindergarden, didn't cry leaving mom
- first strongest desire to do anything that i can remember was to READ
- was a dramatic kid
- was a depressed kid
- was a hyper and happy kid
- didn't understand world vision commercials and stuck with me till the end
- loved my brother and wanted to be like him
- pink power ranger
- had glasses since i was 8
- lessons learned & quit: swimming, skating, skiing, piano, violin, horseback riding
- silverbirch club
- loved pink, then hated it, then liked it again
- definite ugly phase happened and self-esteem went down
- didn't have korean friends till grade 9
- church history messed up
- believed that was God was real ever since i could remember
- so many crushes....they lasted for so long too
- i just wanted to be wanted
- things i wanted to be: philosopher, teacher, paleontologist, architect, artist, writer, doctor
- i still don't feel comfortable in my own skin, i don't think i ever did
- read hard books without understanding them
- hated that rep, yet loved it, without it, who was i
- first year showed it was a facade, isn't it continuously


Maybe I am kidding myself all along.
I'm still that little girl inside.
Maybe I'm not that open,
maybe it's not that easy getting to know the real me.
Maybe I'm emotionally premiscuous because then people won't ask.
Maybe I don't respect guys too.
Maybe i can't take them seriously too.

I want to stop giving my heart away so easily.
But I'll never stop until I really know and understand that I am worth it.

Home-time.

A desire to be more.
Just to be filled in a way.
That'll make these tears come
Cause my face is too dry
For what I'm feeling
For what I'm thinking.

I'll never let them know
Don't throw pearls to pigs
Well maybe I'm a pig too
Why does he trust me?

I'll wake up again
And I'll remember that time
That this time was for that time
I'll wake up again
And I'll remember that time
That this time was for that time

Then this desire will fade
Because what I wanted
Wasn't what I wanted.
This is why I break
And this is why I fall.
And this what love is.
To know.

And I'll never let them know
Well maybe just one
My pearls are precious
For one precious one?

I'll wake up again
And I'll remember that time
That this time was for that time
I'll wake up again
And I'll remember that time
That this time was for that time

Questions

What is the difference between personality and character?
When you change people do you change their personality too?
Can a social butterfly be friends with everyone?
Why are girls so concerned about their weight?
Would I be that concerned about my weight if I gained more weight?
Why can't everybody be open?
Why do I always judge myself and in turn judge others?
Why do I run away from the thing that you tell me?
Why do I feel like some girls don't like me when I didn't do anything to them?
What is love?
What is the 'fear of the Lord'? Why is this fear the beginning of wisdom?
Why am I so afraid of abandonment?
Why can't I be honest and yet proclaim how honest I am?
Why do I have a misconception of who I am?
What does it mean to be a friend?
A good girlfriend?
A good wife?
A good servant?
How come I do not have a mentor
What are my spiritual gifts?

.....
and so forth

Gossip, Envy, & Love

Gossip creates envy, so much misunderstanding, confusing relationships, a hidden undertone to commnication.

I remember I gossiped so much in middle school,
but after I met Jesus in the beginning of high school, I told myself that I wasn't going to gossip.
I didn't gossip. I think probably I did a bit but I had a very keen conscious of it.

Now I'm so much older and I feel like I do it all the time.
I hate myself for doing it.
I don't even like hearing it, but sometimes I feel like if I don't listen to it,
nobody would confide anything in me.
Gossip destructs because you lose a friend and gain another.

There are times when we sincerely want to discuss feelings of angst and bitterness that is within us.
I just don't think we should talk about these with friends first.
Go to the THRONE before you go to the PHONE.
God speaks to me about my issues. This is so much better than friends who may or may not support your feelings and thoughts. People are biased and cannot fully know what you are going through. But God does.

Because I gossip at times, I feel like people gossip about me. This is unhealthy, it proves that Bible verse.

To the pure, all things are pure, but to those who are corrupted and do not believe, nothing is pure. In fact, both their minds and consciences are corrupted.
Titus 1:15

I want to stop! I want to love.
Love is what covers all wrongs. It laughs at these stupid thoughts that go through your head. It secures peace and true relationship.

I am too proud.
I am not perfect.
I am not near anything what I want to be, but I want to let go of even that.
Let God make me into the one he wants to make me, not what I think is the best me.

Letting go & Balancing & Trusting are the hardest parts of being with God I think.

Him and You.

I kissed your picture this morning
and I knew that you liked it

Every time I come back,
we have such a good time together.
Sometimes I forget that it started off with pain and confusion.

The curves of my body
The shape of my soul
I feel so pretty when I'm with you

It excites me!
Where will it go from here?
My whole life. Your whole Life.
So much to do. So much to feel and say.
Where will you take me?
Where will I take you?

Is it true?
It's true
Is it?
It is

You're so patient.
You're so loving.
You're so gentle.
You're so beautiful.

And you know me.
And you accept me.

My Little Pep Rally

Grades aren't everything! If God wants me get to grad school or wherever, if I work hard he'll get me there!

Guys aren't everything!! So this time it didn't work again (but ended on a good note thankfully), but that's okay! I kind of want to leave this area and fly away~~~ And be free of desires and all those feelings. Mmm.

Vanity is certainly not everything! I got my wisdom teeth pulled out and half of my face is so..so...big. Who cares!

I found cheap pants today! Two pairs!

And a nice white belt!!
....but who cares about those things too!!

*sigh*

Emptying out. Emptying out.
He doesn't seem to want to give up on this 'taking the entire territory of me' thing.

Great pep rally thereee.

I don't want hold back myself from living.
I want to eat banana pancakes!
I want to feel sexy too!
I want to write stories like I used to when I was little!
I want to chase after Jesus and have him chase after me.
I don't want to hide behind these masks!
I want to be able to say "thank you!" when somebody calls me pretty instead of shying away!
I want to read extensively and learn about world ISSUES.
I want to go horseback riding again!
I want to run really fast across a football stadium like in those korean dramas!
I don't want to care that the side of my face looks like this! I want to feel EQUALLY as beautiful no matter what!
I want to capture and take hold of what God has for me.
I want to immerse in his blessings and share them!
I want to love others like crazy!
I want to jump and dance and skip and laugh and cry with everyone I meet!
I want to love and lose love and be happy that I loved!
I want to wash myself in the summer rain too~
I want to STUDY and actually WORK HARD for once.
I don't want to care what others think about me! And if they think wrong about me I want to think right about them!
'Cause that's what it's about~~ At least one part....

OH Jesus,
thank you for not giving up on me.

*ahem*
not a bad pep rally after all~

one poem. one thought.

the texture of the wall
the ticking of my life

the wall and me
the wall and me

nails scratched and screamed at
yet nobody hears
not even me

fake smiling still
disappointed they can't see

the wall and me
the wall and me

the shadow between
and a fearful truth ahead
a fearless truth ahead

the wall and

__________________________

one.
reality.
I have mentioned these thoughts about reality to others before,
but nobody has really understood what I was saying.
I'm not sure if it is because they don't experience what I experience,
or whether it's due to my lack of eloquence.

Well what is reality to me?
Most of the time reality doesn't seem real to me.
That this is actually a deep dream.
That I won't die. That I can't.
Even if I cut my finger now by myself, the blood is not real, or something.

Why do I feel this? Or rather think or perceive this?
Because I have seen and felt a truer reality in my life.
Those moments where you are truly 'alive'.
Are they countable on my fingers? Maybe, but all I know is that
there is something spiritual that is real.

I've had dreams that seemed more real than me typing on this laptop right now.
I've had hot tears stream down my face, with me screaming out to God in anger, and a real spiritual 'smoothie' (i'd like to say) pouring over my tired soul.
I've had passionated intense real life moments.
I want it. I want it constantly. And maybe that's what heaven is like. Me being completely real.
I wonder what that would be like.