Monday, April 5, 2010

internalized question

I think my life revolves around this common theme and question of 'what is the root that makes me myself?'

I live life, I experience pain and hurt, and the opposite of that as well. Then one day I happen to look up or down, and then finally into my heart and realize I haven't been being real with myself. I start to ask, 'what is it that makes me myself?' 'What is it that is still me after all the mess-ups and good times?'

I know that I'm lost and confused. Yet there is also the choice of choosing whether to feel lost and confused. But sometimes I wonder if I choose not to be, whether I'm being real with myself. Living in denial is so much easier than having to admit that you don't have it together as much as you thought you did.

i realized something about myself and that is that i am never satisfied. With myself, with situations, with others, with life. Yes there's that never ending thirst but most of the time it isn't paired with gratefulness and that's where i lose joy.

I realized today that life has been revolving too much around my own heart and mind and not enough on others. I feel so much at a loss for my own cause that I feel like I don't have enough energy to give unto others as I should. I know God that you give full life and living water but I haven't been drinking. I want to drink differently because the past ways aren't working for me.

I've been saying 'something's got to change' 'something's got to change' for so long but nothing is changing. 'what is it in me that's holding unto something. what is it that i need to let go'. There are simple answers and then there are more complex ones.

I am so frustrated with my vanity. My desire to be liked by others, the desire to be right in the eyes of others. When will my heart pound eyes and action for only Christ alone? When will I start to learn that loving is the best way to go. How do I change my perspective?

The only peace I have these days is that Christ has risen. One day all of this will pass away, and he will wipe away all my tears. And I will be with him forever and ever. It's the only thing that is keeping me going.

My lent that made me abstain from sweets and things of the sort made me realize a few things about myself. One is that I am addicted to sweets and sugar. And two when you take something out of your life that isn't right for you, you need to fill it with something else that is. By not intaking sweets, I should've been intaking more of God's word. The same thing applies to my year alcohol fast. I'm not drinking alcohol but I should be drinking more of living water.

If these challenges to change weren't difficult, then it wouldn't be true change and character. There's a hurtful twist in your heart when you make a right decision that is hard to do. It's sad that I've only felt that twist a few times in my life, because I think those twists were what made my character, as little as it is, what i am made to be.

My thought are all jambled.

In service, I really liked those 'I am second' videos. It made me realize something that is so often forgotten and that is love. The father's love is what changes us inside. Love love love. Him loving us no matter how many times we've messed up. His love covering us and just wanting relationship with us. I love you Jesus, and I haven't said it on Easter Monday many times before, but thank you for the cross. And thank you for rising up on the third day. Peace comes with the truth~~

I gots hope y'all I dos.

1 comment:

xtine said...

so honest and true. i think about those questions too. but i guess it's better to be asking ourselves that than letting our minds wander. :):) hehe