Friday, January 25, 2008

Lip balm for Heart

I've been doodling around with my new camera,
I love it so much!

I keep wishing that time would just stand still so I could have one moment to myself where i could just think about what is going on in my life.

For some reason I feel intoxicated right now although it's far from the case.

I've noticed that I've been being mean to people who are close to me and far from me.

I want to call my mom and depend on her but she spoils me too much with her words and her love. She's always on my side, but I have to learn how to be my on my side as well.

The retreat is tomorrow and I'm glad it is. Last time I was excited to go to the retreat because the one before that was just amazing. The one I went to last wasn't amazing, but it was good. I felt like God did talk to me there but like so many times before, the feelings will never stay.

I wonder why God made it so that the feelings could never stay. Feelings are fleeting. Why must it be better to be human than robots. Why must pain exist to teach us the way we should go and to build our character.

I ask the same questions with the same tone. I want to ask different questions, but I can't until I really get out of this mess.

I don't even want to talk about this mess I'm in with anyone around me. Because peoples' words are useless. They don't understand, no one really does. No one impresses me anymore. It's so strange and cocky to say that. But it's true. Perhaps it's cause I don't have a lot of Spirit in me these days but I get bored and think haughty thoughts so often these days.

I need some renewal.