i like skin.

For some reason I've been really getting into skincare regimes these days.
This is probably another one of my 'getting into' things that lasts for a bit and then disappears and then returns. I think I vaguely remember using toner when I was 13 but it's a distant and foggy memory.

Anyways!
Tonight I tried out the much talked about 'Aspirin Mask'.
It's basically a facial mask that works as an exfoliate.
It works SO WELL!!! *SUPER APPLAUSE*.
After I was done my skin felt so soft and supple, especially around my nose.

There's a few ways you can make it but I made mine out of:


&


First I wet four non-coated aspirins in a small plate with some water until they bubbled and fizzed. And then I added honey and mixed it around. I just applied the whole thing in my face in circular motions and then waited for 10 minutes and then washed it all off. Then I cleaned my face further with some toner and then applied face lotion, but even before the lotion my face felt so soft!

I've also been buying things from LUSH.
Why have I never realized what an awesome store this place is till now?
First I bought solid shampoos. They lather so well and make my hair feel healthy and really clean! This one is Godiva, I just bought it cause it smelled the best, and I also bought Seanik (no pic).



Today I bought Sweet Japanese Girl, which is an exfoliating facial soap. I haven't tried it yet but I made my mom try it and I think it works well. Just have to use it for a few weeks to truly see the results.



I also invested in some toner. It was kind of expensive but when comparing to toners from other brandnames, it's pretty cheap in comparison. And the bottle is huge! And apparently it's vegan. (I'm not sure...why uh..er.ya). It feels nice on the skin, and doesn't sting at all!



Yes. I'm excited to go to Korea and buy things from 'The Face Shop'. I heard their products are really good and cheap too!

On another note:
I AM GRADUATED!! (wha??)
I am trying to face the reality of it head on but it's been hard in many ways. I was looking at these self-reflection questions from Idealist.org relating to going into the nonprofit field and I realized how little I know about my professional self. I could blame it on my lack of work experience but I feel like I have no excuse! I just want to try out any job at any nonprofit and see who I am from there, but I will have to pray and reflect more on this.

Hopefully Korea won't be a distraction (ha), but more of a help.
A few things I'm looking forward to in Korea are:

- have long talks with my grandpa about life & God
- seeing my grandma
- seeing my cousins! *
- trucking up a mountain to wet my feet in cold mountain water
- buying pretty fob clothes so I can come back as a fob (HAHA)
- the food. the glorious FOOD!!
- milking my ability to speak English in every way possible
- going on a so-gae-teeng. (HAHAHA...*cough* I'm half serious)

* One of my cousins has been termed 'Ultra Jo-Sun-Shi-Dae' (You have to say the Ultra like 'ool-ter-ah') So basically she hates everything girly and frilly (which is what most korean girls like to wear). She's not into kpop, and popular things there. She's very conservative. We send her clothes from here cause apparently it's impossible to find anything without words or lace or pink on it there.

There is this awesome TRUE story of when my cousin was at a bustop in front of this university where her dad (my uncle) teaches at. (She was still in high school at that time). Anyways, she's waiting there and there was this 'kingka' waiting there too. Kingkas are the most popular guys at a school or something like that. Now usually when there are super hot guys, girls pass by them and squeal and giggle and take pictures and do idiotic things like that. But my cousin is Ms. Ultra-Jo-Sun-Shi-Dae so she paid no attention to him. So this guy is like 'what the heck, who is this girl, how can she not pay attention to me?' So he KEPT looking at her and she was getting annoyed but didn't say anything. The good part was that there was this perky girl who had her arm wrapped around the Kingka's arm, and she was getting annoyed ...


why am i telling this story... um anyways.


Yes so she was getting annoyed and when it was time to get on the bus. She said something rude to my cousin like '*scoffs, gosh how much is her wallet, it looks like it was 8,000W' So my cousin said back with equal attitude, 'no actually it was 5,000W' (Kind of saying, eat it). Anyways after that the Kingka guy got SO INTO her and asked her out but she refused, cause she hates guys who don't study and are like him. The stories go on and bottomline is that I am going to enjoy her company.

The end.

old gold.

My last assignment for my 'Health Issues in Aging' class requires me to find an old person and ask them many questions about whether our city is an 'Age-Friendly City' according to WHO guidelines.

STRESS. MAXIMUS.

I don't want to ask a random old person questions! I don't! I don't! I just want to leave them alone in peace! Although I secretly have this stereotype that old people just love to talk for hours and hours with no end. I hope that stereotype becomes alive today. *crosses fingers*

So I'm still trying to figure out what I think about 'Slum Tourism'. I kind of want to take part in it, but my teacher thinks the ideology behind it may not be right. Because I suppose it's true, can we really apprehend the hopelessness and true despair of being homeless and poor from just living it within a week? Knowing that you only have to 'buh-tyuh' it for one week because you have a warm bed to go to at the end of it all. I never realized all these issues with homelessness before.

Affordable housing! Affordable housing! Affordable housing!

So...
my future is at stake. I hate this graduation process and love it at the same time.

1. Get the internship and be abroad for 6 months
2. Don't get the internship and find a crummy job till I can apply to grad school.
3. Go to New Zealand to run away from my fear of not knowing what to do
4. Three year long-term mission living with the poorest of the poor in Asia
5. Find a man, marry him, live at home and have 12 babies.

JAhskdjhjkahsd.
I'm praying hard for this one.
To trust in God.
To just enjoy being with him.
To rely on him and not to worry about it all.
I know that everything is going to be okay!

On another note of life,
so last night I told him 'No'.
And after I went and flopped on Grace's bed and passively vented about it.
I think I did what I need for myself, the best for myself.
But a definite part of me wishes that I could've given it a try.
But I'm just placing all my trust in God with my heart.
If he we're meant to date later then it will happen!
But for now I'm going to believe that God has someone who can spiritually lead me and I'm really relying on that now.
God is faithful! And God always fulfills his promises!

Time to find an old person now...

Lip balm for Heart

I've been doodling around with my new camera,
I love it so much!

I keep wishing that time would just stand still so I could have one moment to myself where i could just think about what is going on in my life.

For some reason I feel intoxicated right now although it's far from the case.

I've noticed that I've been being mean to people who are close to me and far from me.

I want to call my mom and depend on her but she spoils me too much with her words and her love. She's always on my side, but I have to learn how to be my on my side as well.

The retreat is tomorrow and I'm glad it is. Last time I was excited to go to the retreat because the one before that was just amazing. The one I went to last wasn't amazing, but it was good. I felt like God did talk to me there but like so many times before, the feelings will never stay.

I wonder why God made it so that the feelings could never stay. Feelings are fleeting. Why must it be better to be human than robots. Why must pain exist to teach us the way we should go and to build our character.

I ask the same questions with the same tone. I want to ask different questions, but I can't until I really get out of this mess.

I don't even want to talk about this mess I'm in with anyone around me. Because peoples' words are useless. They don't understand, no one really does. No one impresses me anymore. It's so strange and cocky to say that. But it's true. Perhaps it's cause I don't have a lot of Spirit in me these days but I get bored and think haughty thoughts so often these days.

I need some renewal.

2008.

Learning?
I want to run away from here.
I want to live on my own.
There are things that I see in myself that are invisible to others.
I can't be myself.
I don't what myself is.
I'm getting older.
More expectations are put on me.
I don't know how to be these things.
I am out of the social strata.
And nobody understands.
You say you understand me.
I know you do.
The books say you do.
But I don't know what that means.
Saying yes to the sprit means so little to me right now.
Stretch me to my limits.
I can't do it my way.
And I can't follow without no vision.
Give me a vision.
Place in me what you want.
I'd rather be a robot rather than this.

Why can't I live a crazy life?
Why can't I just not care about what others think?
Why do I care whether they like me or not?
Why do I care whether they love me or not?
What does that all mean in the end anyway?
It means nothing. It means nothing at all.
What worth is there in these things.
What worth is there in the reason that I live right now?

Waking up and waking up and waking up.
And sleeping and sleeping and sleeping.
Eating and eating and eating.
Waking up and waking up and waking up.
And sleeping and sleeping and sleeping.

Traveling.
The world is small.
Here and there, you can't run away from your own heart.
The purpose isn't out there.
It's in here.

I'm bored.
I want out.
I want something new.
I want pain. And i want it now.
I want it in a way that I haven't had before.
Because having a problem is better than this.
Neither here nor there.
Then you have a reason to be apathetic and depressed.
But here there is no such thing.

I am not a real daughter am i.
I mean it says that you discipline the ones you love.
But you're not disciplining me.
You're not disciplining me.
You're not saying anything to me.
Those times recently you said that you loved me.
But it was all a lie wasn't it?
How come you won't discipline me?

What does discipline mean to you?
To give you pain?
To give you discomfort?
What if my kindness will lead you into repentance.
What if it is the way that I want to shape you?
To stand up on your own and make your way to me.
Are you a little child?
You don't want to be a little child.
You don't like it when people look at you as an immature cute little thing.
Do I treat you like this?
Or do I treat you as a woman. As a soldier.
Will you 'man up'? Or do you desire me to baby you like before?
What is it that you want?
For me to 'hit you'? For me to lavish baby talk upon you?
I am neither this nor that.
I will not follow the way that you think is best for yourself.
Stop seeking the things that you wish to seek
Stop seeking the things that you have always seen.
I am God Almighty. I cannot be put into a box. Told what to do.
I am doing what I want to do because I am your God.
I am here. I love you. I want you.
If you hear the knocks on your door.
Open the door. If you want true life, open the door.
Open and live. I come to give you living water.
Something that this world cannot give.
Something that is more than these things that you have been seeking.
These things the moths will destroy.
But what I give to you, nothing can destroy.
Seek the truth .
Seek reality.
Seek justice.
Have purpose in the life that I have given you.

Will you surrender?
Are you all talk?
Are you all talk?

Will you obey?
Or are you all talk?

2008.
Here it begins.

Another one

I'll settle for that for now!
To like someone as a person,
but not as anything else
To forgo the thought that anything can work anymore
with anyone in any circumstance
What a safe hiding place this is.
At least here I cannot get hurt
and I can hide behind the words,
"I'm waiting for the right one"
and
"I'm trusting that one day God will bring some one my way"
Although to be honest,
I have a lot of trouble trusting in God for this area of my life.
So this person is great
and that person is great
But no person is great for me.
That's okay.
That's okay~
I suppose.

my place.
the place where i am me.
a desire to be this or that.
anything just to be loved.
to be respected.
to be revered as someone who is great.
someone who knows who they are.
does this stream from a deeper cause?
things are falling apart.
i do not feel like i belong that i am a part of this social structure any more.
things have become meaningless.
and i want to see just how deep i can swim in this sea.
how deep i can go.
and how dark.
Jesus is.
but no more pretences.
i don't really believe i have a problem with you.
i just have a problem with me.
am i angry at you?
no i don't think so.
but maybe i am a little disappointed.
a disappointment that i know is wrong,
so i remain silent within myself.
what is this faith journey?
where am i really going?
no matter how far i go from here, to anywhere in this world,
i know that it will be the same.
we stay the same no matter where we go
for truly like the cliche saying goes,
home is where the heart is.
internal circumstances will always overcome external ones.
the base within.
changing external circumstances may seem like things are changing
that things are improving
but if your heart is sick then nothing can change that.
no relationship, no money, or materialistic possession.
neither things like fame or power.
nothing can change that pain inside,
because what is inside is so disconnected with what is outside.
an answer comes.
apparently there is one thing that can change what is inside
and he moves silently and he moves in surprising ways.
apparently God can.
aoparently the power of God, him himself can change what is inside
because he knows how to change it because he made it.
he knows exactly what to do.
now the problem arises here.
how to get him to start it, or to change me.
how to feel that change
there always seems to be a disconnect between what is real
and what is real in my head.
i am tired of being wrong.
i am so tired of getting it wrong.
i am tired of being proud
and yet holding unto my pride like it is the last thing before i disappear into something unspoken.
i am tired of caring what other people think.
i am tired of many thoughts that float in my head and stay there floating.
i am tired of myself going at this with different approaches and getting nowhere
i am tired of feeling sorry for myself
i am tired of distracting myself with other things that have no meaning in themselves.
i am tired of caring.
if the answer is that it will never change
that this is my complex
that i will never reach any state other than this,
then i want to know it.
because if it is true then at least i can stop trying for something better
but if this is it, then i want to know
then i'll be able to begin learning how to deal with it
with life.
but i don't want to believe that this is true.
i want to believe that there is something more to it
that one day it will be all different in my head
and in my life.
at least there is heaven,
at least there it will actually be different.
but heaven can come any day,
a day that i dont know of
we can all really die any second,
if it is what God wants
so till that second
i want something more than this.
it is quite depressing when you have found the answer to life
but you can't access it.
some people spend their entire lives searching for the meaning of life
well i have found it
so now...what.
to be honest,
i really wonder.
some people say it is fear within, of life and itself
that people believe in God.
that people have made him up so that they feel better about themselves.
well truthfully i want to know.
i want to go to that end and then come back.
then i will know if it is true or not.
i want to be able to let go of those fears
ask those questions
and free myself from my own bondage that i have put upon my own life
so that i can be free
and actually be free, we are free to believe anything we want.
to know that and THEN believe.
then my faith will be truer,
it will be better than just staying here in this pit of questioning questionless, emptiness
i am always too afraid to step over the bridge.
but i don't want to become that 1 lost sheep again,
but secretly i want to know whether i am worth finding again to God
although i know i am.
my thoughts are sinful i know
but i want to be honest with myself and with God
rather than hide my thoughts which are true to my head.

Deep Desire

I don't want to be binded by these walls of social structure.
I don't want to fear what would happen to me if today I just got up and left.
I want to believe that my God is bigger than all of this.
I just want to breathe the air that is outside and not in.
I want to touch long grasses of life itself.
I want the realness of it all. I want freedom, from myself and from others.
I want to pop all these bubbles that I have kept myself in.
I want to read my Bible till the pages fall out.
I want to seek and seek and seek.
I want to travel and step on ground that no one has ever stepped on before.
I never want to forget.
I never want to let go.
I never want it to die down.
I never want a normal life.
Because we only get one chance.
And this minute that has just passed away will never ever ever come back to me again.
Life is real. And death is equally as real.
What kind of life will I lead?
Will be I bind myself in or loose myself out?
All is reflected in eternity and I don't want to lose any second of my time here.
So things that mattered to me before, don't matter to me now.
I don't need a job to have security.
For Jesus is my secure rock in life.
Money doesn't matter but money gives power.
Speak for those who have no voice.
And care for those who have no one to care for them.
Jesus is them, the least of them are You.
Singing and dancing all the way long.
Let me live.
Let me LIVE.
Let me LIVE THIS LIFE for YOU.