I am a missionary

I'm so pooped from GKYM but I am so so blessed that I went.

I forgot again. (doh!)
I am a missionary. Yes even as a probable future graphic designer, I am a missionary. And even if I don't become what I plan, I shrug my shoulders because God has a plan for my life.

My plans for 2010 are open for Him. I had it all set up but my heart is open. My hands are open. I realized so much at this conference again.

I am a broken person. A sinner who was saved and I stand justified before the feet of God. My heart that is filled and constantly being held together by the love of Christ Jesus is wholly His. I offered (and I offer even in this moment in time) my everything and that made me feel so relaxed and peaceful and quite amazing inside. 'Ah rest for my soul'.

I don't want to use the word 'strategic', but I'll say that strategically I know what I need to do in my life. It came hand in hand with what I discussed with Pastor Young a few months ago after the Onnuri retreat. I keep giving excuses to live in a certain way because I see other people living in the same ways and it being fine. But I'm tired of wanting what other people have. I want my own. I want my own vision, my own plan, I want my God in the ways that He is always ready to pour into me.

My life is not ready for it. I know that if he spills more of this new precious wine into my life, it will all break. It will all spill away because I've seen it happen over and over again. It's time to stop compromising everything.

People are so hungry to know Jesus. We are so hungry inside. We are so thirsty inside for living water. Yet it's true. There are places in this world where they have never heard of this precious precious name of Jesus. God wants to be in relationship with them, he's been giving them dreams about Him. Yet we need to be the feet to spread it.

It's going to be difficult in 2010 I know it. I feel like this coming year will be a year where there will be very difficult choices to make. My insides will be stretched, my heart examined and refined through extremely painful and wordless ways. Am I ready to say 'yes?' I have so much fear but I need people's prayers. I can't do this on my own. I can't do anything on my own!

So for the few who have read this/glancing over this blog. If you could do a sister some good and pray for me. Pray for this possible one year alcohol fast that I might do. (A seemingly impossible stretch which is sad). And pray for my discernment for a certain situation in my life that I think I already know the answer to, but need absolute confirmation.

I feel like this post sounded a bit morbid (what is new....lisa you emo loser....hehe). But this page is kind of dancing before my eyes right now because I'm so tired. I will sleep until 5pm now.

Love Snow

(deviant art)

It's been such a rush of things these past few weeks. Today I realized that even though I hate commuting to work and to school, it's the one time in my day that I get to really just rest and be still.

It was dark when I was walking home from the station today and it began to snow. It wasn't just any snow. It was LOVE SNOW. I love love snow. When the snow just slowly falls down and reflects when the light from the street lamp hits it just right. I slowed down my walking and I took a big deep breath. 'I love you Jesus' is all I said and I realized that I forgot the deep simplicity of love and my purpose in life.

That Israel and New Breed song "To worship you I live" really captures it at times. Over and over again he sings, "To worship you I live. To worship you I live, I live to worship you." And in that I realized that God is the only one who provides true rest.

Hm on another note, Pastor Young spoke about sacrifice last Sunday. I wondered to myself, 'what do I truly treasure and hold dear that I am not so willing to give up.' And my answers were food, sleep, and time. And I realized how barbaric that was and sad as well. Food because thinking about having to actually fast scares me. Sleep because I'm never willing to wake up an extra hour early to meet God. And time because I'm so busy with all that is 'life'.

In 1 Chronicles 21:24 David wants to build an alter to God after realizing his own sin. God tells him to build it on the threshing floor of a guy named Araunah, who offers to give it to David for free. This is David's response:

But the king replied to Araunah, "No, I insist on paying what it is worth.
I cannot take what is yours and give it to the Lord. I will not offer a burnt offering that has cost me nothing!"
So David gave Araunah six hundred pieces of gold in payment for the threshing floor.

I love that. And I wonder how many times in my own life I have given sacrifices to God that have cost me nothing. I bet it's more than I want to account for. I want David's attitude in life. I don't want to carry an empty cross and i don't want my words and actions to be burned as wood. If waking up earlier, fasting a meal or two, and giving more time to God and His people didn't cost me anything, they wouldn't be worthy sacrifices would they? HMmmm.

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OH crudder!

I know I've been in a crudastic mood these days and I feel bad for going off at people in slightly angry ways.

I was taking a nap today and woke up to an unpleasant circumstance and wrote quite an angry email to my mom.
I always feel so bad about them afterwards but this one had to be sent. I hope all things work out well.. SIGH...SUPER BIG SIGH.

To keep my mind off of school and my desire to go to heaven right now because of thus, I'm going to list things I'd rather be doing right at this moment in time.

- sketching architecture in rome
- yelling out 'yah-hoooooo' on top of a korean mountain whilst taking a swig of fresh mountain water
- horseback riding in the country side
- eating a gigantic pancake. like HUGE.
- bungee jumping into water.
- being with susan and ashley doing anything. like vegging out or whaaaatever.

Today I was walking on a street near our school where there are design firms and small companies of the sort. One of them was on the second story roof and had clear windows so you could see inside. Awe-some. People were working on designs and the chairs and office spaces were just so lovely. One dude walked towards the window to look out and I waved at him. (Wow that kind of sounds loserish...but I was with a friend...!). And he waved back! And I felt like it was Christmas. I also felt like I would like to be the one waving at loser design student from up on 2nd story office one day, and not vice versa as well.

Anyways I can't wait for the break! Christmas dinners! Seeing old time friends! Going to the conference with Sohyung! Jesus you have blessed me with so much!

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Totally going to get these one day.