This wait will mean something this time.

In the midst of my confusion. God has spoken into my heart about who I am, yet every time I find enough courage to come to the foot of the cross, I run away three seconds after he has spoken because I am such a coward. 'I need time to think', 'I need time to meditate'. I say so many things these days to so many people yet I am not sure which of them are really true.
I want my life to paint beautiful pictures. I want and I want. I want so much and I can say these things till the point where my tongue is dry, but nothing will make it become a reality until the hand of God moves in my life. Giving up control and giving up my heart is the hardest battle yet. It makes me suffer a little inside when I realize that God has only targeted the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the parts of me that are still hidden. The dark parts that require healing and restoration. Life outside my inner world is second in this battle. We can say, I can say all these things, but they mean nothing if life is not transformed. I know that they all mean nothing if the real God is not genuinely moving in my life. I am slowly beginning to realize in my heart (finally) that this life is not for show to anybody else but Jesus Christ. What I accomplish, who I love, what I take seriously and apply literally from the Word is meaningful not because I have done anything or know anything or feel anything, or because I have done any of these with other people, community or whatnot...it's meaningful because God is. It's not my battle to win, I'm learning. It's not my relationship to lead, I'm learning. It's not my power, nor my knowledge, nor my effort, nor my desire, nor my fire or even my actions, I'm learning. "I" and "Me" must be taken out and replaced, I'm learning. In everything, in everything, till the parts where I thought were the hardest to give up (or the easiest) become laughter because they actually don't mean much at all- in comparison to God's great glory. I need my heart to be changed. Nothing that I write matters if that's not changed. Gosh.

On another note, for some reason I want to post the fifth stanza of one of my favourite poems. It's by T.S. Eliot and it's called "Hollow Men"

V

Here we go round the prickly pear
Prickly pear prickly pear
Here we go round the prickly pear
At five o'clock in the morning.

Between the idea
And the reality
Between the motion
And the act
Falls the Shadow.

For Thine is the Kingdom

Between the conception
And the creation
Between the emotion
And the response
Falls the Shadow.

Life is very long

Between the desire
And the spasm
Between the potency
And the existence
Between the essence
And the descent
Falls the Shadow.

For Thine is the Kingdom

For Thine is
Life is
For Thine is the

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang bit a whimper.