Lip balm for Heart

I've been doodling around with my new camera,
I love it so much!

I keep wishing that time would just stand still so I could have one moment to myself where i could just think about what is going on in my life.

For some reason I feel intoxicated right now although it's far from the case.

I've noticed that I've been being mean to people who are close to me and far from me.

I want to call my mom and depend on her but she spoils me too much with her words and her love. She's always on my side, but I have to learn how to be my on my side as well.

The retreat is tomorrow and I'm glad it is. Last time I was excited to go to the retreat because the one before that was just amazing. The one I went to last wasn't amazing, but it was good. I felt like God did talk to me there but like so many times before, the feelings will never stay.

I wonder why God made it so that the feelings could never stay. Feelings are fleeting. Why must it be better to be human than robots. Why must pain exist to teach us the way we should go and to build our character.

I ask the same questions with the same tone. I want to ask different questions, but I can't until I really get out of this mess.

I don't even want to talk about this mess I'm in with anyone around me. Because peoples' words are useless. They don't understand, no one really does. No one impresses me anymore. It's so strange and cocky to say that. But it's true. Perhaps it's cause I don't have a lot of Spirit in me these days but I get bored and think haughty thoughts so often these days.

I need some renewal.

2008.

Learning?
I want to run away from here.
I want to live on my own.
There are things that I see in myself that are invisible to others.
I can't be myself.
I don't what myself is.
I'm getting older.
More expectations are put on me.
I don't know how to be these things.
I am out of the social strata.
And nobody understands.
You say you understand me.
I know you do.
The books say you do.
But I don't know what that means.
Saying yes to the sprit means so little to me right now.
Stretch me to my limits.
I can't do it my way.
And I can't follow without no vision.
Give me a vision.
Place in me what you want.
I'd rather be a robot rather than this.

Why can't I live a crazy life?
Why can't I just not care about what others think?
Why do I care whether they like me or not?
Why do I care whether they love me or not?
What does that all mean in the end anyway?
It means nothing. It means nothing at all.
What worth is there in these things.
What worth is there in the reason that I live right now?

Waking up and waking up and waking up.
And sleeping and sleeping and sleeping.
Eating and eating and eating.
Waking up and waking up and waking up.
And sleeping and sleeping and sleeping.

Traveling.
The world is small.
Here and there, you can't run away from your own heart.
The purpose isn't out there.
It's in here.

I'm bored.
I want out.
I want something new.
I want pain. And i want it now.
I want it in a way that I haven't had before.
Because having a problem is better than this.
Neither here nor there.
Then you have a reason to be apathetic and depressed.
But here there is no such thing.

I am not a real daughter am i.
I mean it says that you discipline the ones you love.
But you're not disciplining me.
You're not disciplining me.
You're not saying anything to me.
Those times recently you said that you loved me.
But it was all a lie wasn't it?
How come you won't discipline me?

What does discipline mean to you?
To give you pain?
To give you discomfort?
What if my kindness will lead you into repentance.
What if it is the way that I want to shape you?
To stand up on your own and make your way to me.
Are you a little child?
You don't want to be a little child.
You don't like it when people look at you as an immature cute little thing.
Do I treat you like this?
Or do I treat you as a woman. As a soldier.
Will you 'man up'? Or do you desire me to baby you like before?
What is it that you want?
For me to 'hit you'? For me to lavish baby talk upon you?
I am neither this nor that.
I will not follow the way that you think is best for yourself.
Stop seeking the things that you wish to seek
Stop seeking the things that you have always seen.
I am God Almighty. I cannot be put into a box. Told what to do.
I am doing what I want to do because I am your God.
I am here. I love you. I want you.
If you hear the knocks on your door.
Open the door. If you want true life, open the door.
Open and live. I come to give you living water.
Something that this world cannot give.
Something that is more than these things that you have been seeking.
These things the moths will destroy.
But what I give to you, nothing can destroy.
Seek the truth .
Seek reality.
Seek justice.
Have purpose in the life that I have given you.

Will you surrender?
Are you all talk?
Are you all talk?

Will you obey?
Or are you all talk?

2008.
Here it begins.