I'll give myself a month.

In this wineskin journey, I was supposed to log but I completely forgot.

I was supposed to ask myself why I feel the way I do in certain circumstances. Question my reactions to situations and people. And really get down to the hardcore reasons behind my psyche. (hehe I used the word psyche).

Reading. Journalling. Blogging. Drawing.
Core Core Core.

So it's going to be 2010 soon! I'm quite dreading turning 24 next year. Even writing it out makes me shudder. God here I am open hands, open heart, with a pleasant scared smile on my face. Please use me and mold my life like playdough.

On another note I finally saw what a doodie looks like. Or wait what do they call them, other than 'joints'..doodie sounds cute so I'll say doodie. I have friends at school who are into this type of recreational activity. They are sweet guys but it kind of bothers me (only very slightly) when they call me 'innocent' for not having seen one before. Am I really naive and innocent? No I don't think of myself being that at all. I've travelled, and lived and experienced enough to be able to make what are seemingly wise decisions in my life. I never felt the need to try different things out but I know there's nothing stopping me from doing things either. I shrug my shoulders.

Anddd I think some punk kid just played nicky nicky nine doors on me. I walked all the way downstairs and opened the door to the empty street. I'ma get you kid. I'ma get you one day.

Anyways I'm going to reflect and reflect so I can make an epic end of year blogging entry to reflect all that I've learned and taken in this year! :)


A really cool art installation I found somewhere random on the net.

Under blankies. Want hot cocoa.

How has it been three months since my last post. That is insane.

I'm still struggling and reflecting on what it means to become a new wineskin. In this past week I've been seeking to have a more honest perception of my weaknesses, yet it's been difficult. When we fall in a deep pit, we come out of it depending on something. It's that something that we rely on for our self-worth, and I'm beginning to wonder if mine was really God. Yes in a greater sense it was but I'm coming to a place where it needs to go deeper than that.

New wineskin. A new way of thinking. A shifting of perspective. I think I need to be more proactive than reactive to everything that occurs around me. Once again it's hard because I tend to suck at life things in general but that's okay because Jesus doesn't and he's in me. :)

On another note, I haven't really told a lot of people but I think I'm going to stay. I still feel so hesitant saying it and I think it's because I don't want to be disappointed in the future again. This is my 7th church and I'm really hoping it'll be the 'last' but God calls us when we need to go. As long as I'm being obedient to Him in this moment then I'm at peace within myself.

I just realized my energy level is like 1.5/10 right now. Probably due to the fact that I was awoken from my peaceful slumber by visitors who are seeing the house. They didn't really end up coming upstairs when I said hi. I wonder if my face really looks that scary in the morning. So sad. Peaceful slumber was peaceful because I was exhausted from yesterday being awake from 6am-5am. It's something that I'll cherish being able to do while I'm young. I did see 7 shooting stars though and I feel so blessed!

Anyways I hate posting without a picture...even if it's not my picture.

Here is a picture a I like (even though it has nothing to do with my post)

No I don't want to be the one who lives a lie but never knew it

I received a book that I lent out back today. It's one of my favourite books: "Inside Out" by Dr. Larry Crabb.

It's difficult to read a book that preaches on things are, rather than how they should be. How long has it been I wonder since I've lived in such a state of mental denial. I'm not sure myself. It's refreshing and painful. It's character building.

I realize right now that what I've been crying out to God, and to my friends is relief. Relief from pain and confusion. What I wanted were easy solutions to difficult and complex problems. Yet he's been laying it down and down again so many times. That in spite of how messed up things can be, and how people can be: God is. Is this truth as easy to swallow as it is to say? No I don't think so.

"the route to joy always involves the very worst sort of internal suffering we can imagine. We rebel at that thought."

A quote from the book's introduction. I recall myself following in God's path so many times in the past; realizing that it takes pain and suffering to get to something good. But living a life in God is not the same as working a job or going to school. We study hard and work hard looking forward to those few days of vacation or freedom. "Ah now we can relax and feel good inside."

If the goal of my spiritual life is to 'feel good' and find relief from this pain, then I am headed towards a dark future, and a lot of disappointment. We groan for heaven but heaven is not now. The kingdom of God can be brought here on earth, but it's not heaven. Pain, disappointment, emptiness and loneliness are a part of life because there is sin in this world.

I hope that in the next few weeks of reflection I'll be filled with the Holy Spirit. Not to 'feel better', but to just be more closer and intimate with God. To remember truth. To remember love. To remember reality but to kiss it even if it burns instead of running away. My fear is to be a coward. I've said the same thing over and over, but hey humans are slow! I'm especially slower...and it'll take time to learn this important "lesson".

Anyways here's to prayer, drawing, reflecting, reading!

thanks Christine

So Christine just asked me if I had a blog and then I realized that I hadn't updated my blog for 2 months. This is for you...hahaha.

This will be short and sweet.


This was my last project that I did last semester. It has the Greek letters alpha and omega repeated over and over in india ink. It was my dedication to God for just him letting me be in this art program. A few days ago I had to take this photo because of my portfolio, and looking at it now makes me realize a few things. How I lack a kindness, a warmness towards my father in heaven. Sigh, knock knock on lisa's cold rock heart, let's get warm again. Back to Brampton or not?

Btw, I really want to go on a retreat. Should I crash Onnuri's?? Puhaha

Oh the joy!

I met up with Karan and Matthew today to venture off for some adventures in dt. We ended up doing a lot of artsy fartsy stuff (how cliche of us art students to do...). First thing was The Power Plant gallery. I laughed so hard while we were there. A lot of contemporary art these days can be really confusing. You can take it in one way or the other but it only really does seem to make sense (or sometimes not even) after you read the little artist blurb about the piece on the side. Video art installations were set up in these little rooms and when first walking in, it can be a little terrifying. The darkness. The random videos of people doing repetitive motions. A huge glowing globe in the middle of a pitch black room. Karan was actually scared to go in, I thought it was so cute.

I thought it was equally funny when he asked this question in all seriousness, "Wait so question, does Jesus want people to be straight?" Hopefully my answer was sufficient enough, sometimes things can get a little complex explaining 'Christian ideas' to non-Christians but I think the more one tries to go about it, the easier it is.

This verse comes to mind
"But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect,"
1 Peter 3:15

We went to The Distillery District after. I LOVE this place. It was surprisingly my first time visiting there and I must venture there once again. It's such a romantic and lovely place to be in. I especially loved the cobblestones, and random wedded couple taking pictures. *girly sigh*. We went to a place called, "SOMA". It is a chocolate haven of amazingness galore. My friend recommended trying the 'Mayan Hot Chocolate' and it was amazing. The cool thing about it was how it was SPICY. Just like the hot chocolate in 'Chocolat'. *super cool thumbs up*.

Afterwards I was seemingly able to convince Karan and Matthew to buy sketchbooks and begin the practice of sketchboooking with me. (I feel so alone when I'm with them in my ventures with this 'art practice'). They agreed!! So we went to AboveGround and bought some supplies. I love that place. I also love how I finally bought a mini pocket watercolour set. It is SO CUTE! I also bought a Letraset=Tria water pen brush thing! You fill the pen with water so you don't need to bring water with you on outings.

Here's a pic


I really have to stop buying things. Especially since I have no money like all the time. If I'm to buy anything next (like a worthy purchase of some sorts), I think I would like to invest in a softball glove. I feel bad having to borrow Carmen's glove every time we have practice or games. I can't believe I actually think softball is fun. I originally just started cause I wanted to have more fellowship but seriously thumbs up to you Mr. Softball on your fun factor.

Tomorrow is volunteering at YSM day. Haven't volunteered in so so long. I should start up again. MmHm.

The Rentals

It's my week off and I decided to go home home for a few days. I forgot how awesome being home is. Moreover how awesome it is to eat good Korean food that is readily available all the time.

Seeing my parents has been good too. I usually see them once a week or every other week at least, but I guess I can't get enough of them! (Har..har har). To be honest, I am aware of how different and changing my relationship to my parents has been the past few years. It does keep getting better and better strangely enough. I used to think that 'Old korean ahjumahs and ahjuhshees don't change or grow spiritually' but now I don't think so. I see my mom growing in her faith, and I see my dad in his efforts to love me and my brother. I see both of them loving each other and trying to understand life together and I think it's really beautiful. The problem has always been me I think. The way I perceive them and treat them. I'm learning to treat them with respect always, trying to honor them with the actions I place in my life. My mom is my sister in Christ and my dad is my brother in Christ. But it's not always easy, especially if you live treating people in habitual ways.

Overall it's been interesting. I quizzed my mom yesterday with the love languages quiz and was interested to see her answers. It's easier to receive love from someone when you know how they love. And vice versa, it's easier to know how to love them too.

There's this book called, "Lady in Waiting" and it had some tips on what to look for in a husband. I remember one of them was to look for someone who strives to make good their relationships with everyone in their life. Especially their friends and their family. When I had read that, I thought that was a great thing to look for but I realized that I lacked so much in that area. I hope I'm better off now than I was then. It's foolish to hope to find someone with characteristics that you don't seek to find in yourself. But ya more on that point, I think if you meet a guy who treats you really well but doesn't maintain good relationships with his family and friends...it's probably a danger sign. Eventually you'll be treated how that person usually treats people in the future.

Woke up Calm.

I just majorly slept in right now, woke up past noon. I kept hitting the snooze button because I really liked the dreams I was having. I don't remember what they were except I was travelling in a group, and that group of people were definitely Joyful people. I hope this is what will actually happen in the future!

Anyways, I woke up calm and collected...and slightly happy. It's been a while since I've woken up like that. I finished reading 'Traveling Light' by Max Lucado yesterday and it was really encouraging for me. I had forgotten these truths, and when you believe with faith that they are truth, it is truly awesome and life-bringing.

I can't quite explain what's been going on intimately with me and God these days but it's been really great. Great amidst all the confusion and discouragement. Great because human situations do not faze the character of who God is in my life. To stretch ones heart muscle to be open to God's grace every moment is a hard thing to do, but like exercise it gets easier.

Talking about exercise! I've been trying to be more active. I figure I hate working out but I do like people and so I'm trying to do more 'sports'. It's quite crazy of me I know, but I think it's fun. So I decided to join our church's softball team. I'm trying to find people to play tennis with me. I'm going to a golf course finally next week, and I'm going to hike with Carmen this friday! Exercising has made me realize how sad and pathetic I am physically. All these things I've learned in health sciences, may they come to being this year!

On another note, my boy fast has been quite good too. (Alcohol fast is going well too). It's interesting how other people in my life seem to be more concerned for my single state than I am. I probably have put this upon myself with my time to time complaining of how 'I can't picture myself with anybody'. But it's hard because I truly feel I am changing inside but bringing that up to people is hard. People doubt change in other peoples' hearts until they see results in action. Yet my heart being changed in this matter is kind of hard to show. I am beginning to trust God a little more each day and be more satisfied in him. I hope my time being spent on myself will be transferred more to other peoples' lives through all of this.

I just remembered I got asked out yesterday by this Brazilian dude at school. I think he just wants to be friends but I'm gonna bring out Karan (who has never had korean food before) to come with us to Korea-town. We all met together at the same time anyway~ Okay, I think I'm going to go out now & sketch or something.